2 Messages from John Cleese plus a link for anyone who wants to get the messages From John sent to their own e-mail account.
Here's the link:
The first one was sent: October 27, 2010
Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear friends, and also less costly friends: greetings.
We, the Minions of Jack Cheese, on this, the occasion of the Great One's birthday, have stepped in without hesitation, but nonetheless with some trepidation, to write this email to you, his adoring and adorable fans.
As Minions, our normal role is straightforward. We lurk beneath the mighty Cheese's desk, avoiding the huge feet, the good knee and the plastic one, waiting patiently to collect his words as they are discarded (thankfully, this is a frequent occurrence) and tumble to the floor, in order to recompile them later into some kind of useful end result.
We organise the Cheese's cuttings carefully, cross-referencing them both alphabetically and thematically. That way, when the old fellow goes walkabout, the output keeps coming. It doesn't matter to us whether the words we expertly recycle come from his next screenplay, his re-drafting of the entire global socio-political system along ecologically sustainable lines, or his extensive wine shopping list. As long as it has words on it, we'll use it. Nothing is wasted.
it was a close call
Sensitive to the value of the ancient Cheese's verbal and conceptual meanderings, we keep the entire archive safe, guarded extremely carefully at a lawyer-proof location deep in "the woods" wrapped in several layers of felt, in a hand-crafted cedarwood box, tied up with a taffeta ribbon. It's a neat system, and we're proud of it.
However, some months back, we noticed a problem.
As we Minions carried out our usual lowly tasks, collecting and filing discarded words, we could see that things were not quite right. Certain loaded phrases were appearing which did not ring true, and so, being small and scarcely noticeable, we were able to run discreet system checks.
Jack's body parts were being replaced as he was losing them - mostly teeth and hair. This in itself was nothing new, but we became concerned about the quality of the replacement parts and so it proved, quite rightly so.
We were truly shocked by our findings. It turned out that JC's first replacement tooth
was in fact an advanced remote control device with microscopic wires leading directly into his brain. The second tooth was a hardware tune up in order to more fully exercise power over his thinking!
That awful episode in Canada came about after a romantic dinner when it was found that if you held John in a particular grip, he would lose signal and begin to power down in a most distressing way. It took two days to reboot him.
To cut a long story short: our beloved Cheese was slowly being turned into an android. Once we realised this, things began to make sense.
We discovered John was the victim of an evil plot, hatched in a laboratory, somewhere deep beneath a nasty desert in a reprehensibly governed country. The scope of their ambition was breathtaking: the world's tallest living comedian from Weston-super-mare was to become a trojan horse, his huge influence ruthlessly exploited, ultimately destroying all comedy everywhere, from the inside.
We Minions could not let Them win! So, we came up with an emergency plan. John's knee had to be replaced
- this was the beginning of our fightback and rescue.
At great personal risk, and with extraordinary bravery, Garry switched the phoney knee - which would have prevented all Silly Walks from happening everywhere - with a good one, which simply aids walking.
But we also went further: as John was under the surgeon's knife, we grafted his own thoughts, via our extensive database of his words, back into his majestic, slumbering consciousness.
We are so happy that we've completely restored the old man in time for his 71st birthday.
We can now report that, as he continues on his endless world tour, our conceptual nanobots have done their work, and our replacement replacement parts are once again entirely within his control.
So, John Marwood Cleese, happy birthday! You, above all, have given us a license to send up pompous behaviour wherever it may lurk, to be as rude to authority as we like, to be publicly and uninhibitedly profane, to be unabashedly intellectual, to be shamelessly silly, to be honest about our vanities, and to fully appreciate what untrammeled joy there is in nonsense.
Many Happy Returns! And, steer clear of magnets.
Your Loyal Minions.
The second one was sent to me on November 29, 2010
Is it running? Here's the microphone, text appears right on the screen. Excellent. OK then.
Dear Friends, My Dear Friends, no that's wrong. I'll start again.
As many of you are no doubt aware, I have been touring my show, visiting twenty one glorious cities in a matter of weeks - shall I name some of them? Twenty one is quite a lot, I don't want to list them. Yes, but if I miss a couple out I'll never hear the end of it. I won't mention any by name, no. I'll start again.
As many of you are no doubt aware via news media, who constantly dripfeed indigestible anxieties into our daily lives in order to maintain a mass, nervous fixation with matters over which we have little or no control, thus justifying their parasitic existence... too strong? I'll go back to the cities. Around the beautiful cities of Europe, that's it. More cheerful.
As many of you are aware, I have over the past few months been touring the beautiful cities of Europe. To be fair, some were indeed beautiful, and others were appallingly designed concrete dumps. No scrub that. I have recently been frequenting many beautiful cities in Europe. As many of you are no doubt aware, over the past months, I have been visiting many beautiful cities in Europe, as I tour my new show.
Yes please, black, no sugar. I'm lactose intolerant
Paragraph will happen automatically. I have to say "paragraph" - do I? No? I'll carry on.
Some people seemed to need proof that I have not moved even further west than California, as if they believed I was by now a resident of Valhalla. I just about managed to remain on stage long enough that even those at the back could see that I was still breathing unaided. It really was a joy to meet you in the flesh, in the lobby, the escalator, in the fish restaurant and in that little club with the interesting 1980s decor.
That is very good coffee.
Fnern for Men
Fnern for Men
Listening to the many different European languages, I noticed in particular, fnern. Fnern is a word which deserves our adoption. Its usage is quite widespread in Scandinavia, and I'm told that it also extends to Czech and Turkey.
Fnern is essentially courteous; it is a word used to pause conversationally without causing offense, or to compliment your host's attire, as in "Fnern bnern hnern," or to thank them for dinner - "Fnern gnern hnern fnern thnern" - or to indicate romantic attraction - "Fnern... thnern..." or used in encouragement - "Fnern! Fnern! Ynern Fnern!" or, used in praise for the sporting prowess of a team other than your own - "Fneeeeeeeeeeeeeern" - indeed, in practise, Fnern may adopt any one of a multitude of of different meanings, but all of them are polite.
Fnern for Women
Fnern for Women
So, with sorry, would you get that please? Thanks. Yes. Sorry? I'll call back this afternoon after 4pm. Where was I?
So, with Thanksgiving, Eid, Diwali, and my birthday behind us, and Christmas, the midwinter / midsummer solstice (depending on hemisphere), Hanukkah (depending on matrilineage), and the New Year (depending on survival) ahead, I urge you to use Fnern in those awkward social moments - and there will be a few - when you cannot think of anything whatsoever to say, but politeness is called for.
Fnern is a boon to humanity. Boon? Blessing. Fnern is a blessing to humanity. Mind the cat.
The Old Favourite
So, dear friends, be good to one another, and don't forget to fnern frequently.
Be proud - be polite - be FNERN
Until next tnern,
Right, so if I say "Send"
I'm not sure if the first one has been posted on Pythonline yet or not, I missed it somehow if it has. However, I'm pretty sure the second one hasn't been posted here yet.
By the way, How is "Fnern" pronounced?