FULL VERSION: The Epic Monty Python fanfic Part VII
ENDING HAS BEEN ADDED
Please excuse me a moment... *ahem*...
DON'T KILL ME TANYA! I'M SORRY! I KEEP CHANGING MY BLOODY MIND! FORGIVE ME FOR I HAVE SIIIIIIIIIIINNED! *waits for rocks and various fresh fruit to be thrown*
Okay, on with the fanfic!! I did note on EMPF part VI (that's if you read it) that part VII would be posted early November... and here it is.
The Epic Monty Python Fanfic, Part VII.
Material by: The usual lot.
Re-edited by: Mrs A. T. Hun, the selfish little pea-brained ponce :( (Grr, I so hate myself at the moment).
Rating: R, for the usual things.
Ron woke up to find himself laying down in a hospital bed, with an oxygen machine pumping air into him. His vision blurred up when his eyes opened, but it cleared up.
Where am I? Ron thought to himself.
Just then one of the doctors came into the room.
"Good to see one of you is awake," he said to Ron. "Don't worry. You're safe. You're in a hospital."
Yes, I can see that now, Ron thought.
The others started to stir as well, except for poor Gil who still looked in the worst shape than the rest.
"I'm afraid your friend here is in a coma," the doctor said to Ron motioning to Gil. "Hopefully he'll pull through."
"That's what you think," Gray muttered, eyes still closed.
"Hey," Jonesy mumbled looking around through squinted eyes. "Where's Mike?"
Michael woke up tied to a chair in what looked like an eerie dungeon or basement. He was gagged as well. He couldn't see out of his right eye as it was badly bruised from the crash. He heard footsteps approach him and a small chuckle.
"Look what we got here," a voice said. "The pathetic little human with Michael's sword. How cute."
The figure faced Mike and found himself looking to a pair of deep blue eyes, but then they became black. Mike's nose scrunched up as he realized this was a demon. In fact there were two other demons in the same room. Hell, more than just two, a whole gang of 20 demons were in this dungeon area.
"Sure a good idea to take him from the bus and drag him down here." the tall demon said.
"You sure you're all right, Shal?" asked another.
"Yes, I am Beelz," Shal said. He turned back to Mike and backhanded him in the face. Shal's hand hit Mike's bad eye and he let out a muffled yell. "You got something to say to me?" Shal asked and ungagged Mike.
"You all stink of death." Mike said to Shal and spat at him. When the spit landed on Shal's cheek, it slightly burned his face. Shal yelped and proceeded to punch Mike in the stomach.
"Hand me the sword," Shal said to Beelz. "I wanna give him a taste of his own medicine."
Beelzebub came back with the sword. It had a cloth wrapped around the hilt. He handed it to Shal.
"It won't kill me," Mike told them. "No matter how many times you stab me, I won't die."
"But you'll be in a lot of pain," Shal said and thrust the sword into Mike's abdomen.
"What could've happened to him?" John hoarsely asked.
"I haven't the slightest idea," Ron replied. "But there was something strange about the person I must've hit. His eyes were just black. Nothing else."
"Could be a demon," Brandon croaked.
"Great," John quipped. "We're all laying here and Mike has been captured by demons."
"We all can't leave Gil behind," Eric said hoarsely.
Everyone was hootin' and hollerin' as Shal thrusted the sword into Mike's body a few times. Shal made a cut across Mike's chest and made a slit near his throat. He was making Mike worse. Michael had received several injuries in the crash such as a bleeding shin, sprained wrist, a few cuts, and a couple of broken ribs. Shal was only making it worse.
"Let's try one place I haven't hit," Shal amusingly said and thrust the sword into Mike's heart.
Mike's eyes widened as he felt the sword run through his heart. He let out a bloodcurdling scream and shut his eyes. When he reopened them, they were turquoise; his tattoos appeared and he had busted loose of his bonds. He grabbed the sword out of Shal's hands and punched him, sending him back. Mike weakly rose up and positioned himself from not trying to fall over. All the demons trembled at the sight.
"He's one of the six Beasts," Beelz quietly said. Michael glared and bared his teeth, but he felt so weak he lost his connection with Ulmer and collapsed to the floor.
I'm sorry, child, Ulmer said to him. I tried to help.
Blackness came upon Michael. Shal looked down at Mike's unconscious body.
"What shall we do with him?" Beelz asked Shalbriri. "Play with him? Sick one of these guys on him?"
“I’ma gonna slaughter the little SON OF A BITCH!” Shal screeched, and was about to rip Mike to shreds once again, but the tall demon held him back.
“Lay off, Shal,” The tall demon, named Vetis said to him, “You’ve already tried that, and it hasn’t worked. Why bother?”
Shal stopped struggling and sighed.
“Fine,” He moaned.
Vetis released him. Beelz then thought of a rather cunning idea.
“Phil? Would you and Lilith be so kind as to take our pathetic brat to see Leonard, the black magician?” Beelz commanded, “I’m sure he’ll be able to sort him out.”
Phil and Lilith looked at each other, then back at Beelz.
“Alright,” They said in unison, and grabbed held of Mike and led him to Leonard’s room.
“Meanwhile, I’m going to ask a good friend of mine to see if he can destroy this stupid sword.” Beelz said to Shal, then he too walked out.
A white room. Well, that’s what it seemed to be. It was more of a white space that seemed to stretch for miles and miles whichever way you… I’m getting a sense of Déjà vu… I’d better skip a bit… In the middle of this empty place lay a small figure, by the name of Terry Gilliam. He lifted his eyelids, and panned his head round slowly, to gaze at his new surroundings.
What the…? Gil thought, Where am I? I sure hope I haven’t died and now I’m in heaven - That would be a major bummer. He sat up and continued to look around, looking very mystified and having absolutely no idea in hell where he was.
“Hello?” he muttered. His voice echoed slightly. “Hellooooooooo? Hey, anyone around?” He added. “C’mon, stop playin’ games. There’s gotta be someone there.”
“Hello.” A voice boomed from nowhere.
“Shiiiit!” yelled Gil, cowering with fear, “W-w-w-who the hell was that!?”
“It is I. The one named Marcellus.”
Marcellus the great Tiger stepped out from the white emptiness. 16 metres tall, and 26 metres long. His crimson fur soft and wavy, His legs strong and firm, and his vibrant orange eyes beaming.
“Holy craaaaaap!!” Gils shouted, quickly retreating back several yards, “IT’S YOU! AH DON’T KILL ME!”
“Bah, don’t be such a wuss,” Marcellus laughed, with a rather deep, almost Canadian accent.
Gil’s scared expression then turned to an angry glare.
“Hey, who d’you think you are, callin’ me a wuss?!” he bellowed.
“Stop yer complainin’!” The beast snapped.
Gil looked to the floor, then back up again at the beast.
Just leave it, Terry. Leave it. “So what happened to me? Where am I?” he asked.
“Can’t tell ya,”
“Whyyyyyy?” Gil whinged.
“I just can’t, alright? As much as I want to, I can’t. Father’ll kill me if I told anyone.” Marcellus replied, very matter-of-factly.
“Could you at least tell me why I’m here?”
“Basically your in a coma. Now I’m going to--”
“So, I’m dead?” Gil asked with a grave tone of voice.
“Erm, well, no… maybe, slightly… yes.”
Gil widened his eyes in astonishment. Marcellus reacted to this and tried to reassure him.
“NO, NO! I mean you’re just in a deep sleep - Yeah, a very deep sleep. Meaning that you’re dead… No! NO! Not really dead, just slightly dead… NO! Not dead at all!”
“Make up your mind already!” Gil shouted to the beast.
“I meant you’re brain-dead!” Marcellus spat, then calmed himself, “That’s right. That’s why I said you’re partially dead but not completely dead.”
“Yeah, I get it… sorta,” Gil shrugged.
“Right, no time for chit-chatting dude,” Marcellus announced.
You’re the bleedin’ chatterbox here, Gil thought, rolling his eyes.
“It’s time we bonded our souls together and stuff and get us back to earth ecetera. God was tellin’ me that Ulmer’s been sent down to Hell and is in grave danger. So we gotta wake you up!” He, like Ulmer, gestured to Gil to come over and to place his hands upon his face. Gil obeyed and did so.
“על ידי הכוח השקיע בי על ידי האלוהים יהוה שלנו, אני מבקש את הסמכות לקשר את הנפשות שלנו יחד לאיזה אנחנו יכולים לחיות בשלום ואחדות. St Gabriel’s spell of the bonding etcetera… RELEASE!”
And so Gil and the bouncy tiger bonded their souls together fully like how Mike and Ulmer had. The space became dark and a light shined upon Gil. He was being lifted to the light. He started to increase speed as he got closer and closer. And then…
“Hey! Leo, you in there?” Phil asked, knocking on the heavy stone door.
“Ah, yes. Come in,” replied a voice.
Phil and Lil opened the door and walked in dragging the almost dead Michael. Sat at a long desk was Leonard, writing a diary. They lifted Mike up onto Leo’s desk.
“So… who do we have here?” Leo smiled, stroking Mike’s face.
“This is Ulmer sir. One of the dreaded beasts of Rekon.” Phil replied.
Leo suddenly flinched and snapped his hand back, almost scared.
“Ah,” he began hesitantly, “Yes… ugh, disgusting piece of filth,” He roughly wiped his hand on the sleeve of his jacket. He then addressed the two demons. “Well, take him over to the interrogation area, bind him securely and I’ll see what I can do.”
Phil and Lil nodded. They took Mike over to a small door to Leonard’s right and placed him inside. The room contained voodoo dolls, wands, potions, alters, candles, an Iron Maiden (No, not the band), a Judas Cradle, and a leather bound Black Bible with a pentagram on it. Lil smiled cunningly at Phil.
“Should we put him in there?” She sneered, pointing to the Iron Maiden.
“A’right,” Agreed Phil grinning back at her.
And so they tied him inside the Maiden with anything they could find. Mike slowly awoke, groaning heavily in masses of pain.
“Crap, he’s waking up. Hurry up already!” Phil shouted to Lil. She hurriedly found a piece of damp cloth on the floor and raced back to Mike.
“Hey… what are y- mmmmfffffff,” His voice was muffled as the dirty rag was wrapped around his mouth. His eyes looked around wildly and he was now completely petrified as he pulled at his bonds rowdily, in desperation and helplessness. Since he had lost contact with Ulmer, his once courageous self had left him, and he was now back to a quivering wreck.
“Not such a tough guy now, are you?” Phil smirked.
“Aww, is the widdle doggie scared?” Lil mocked, “Don’t worry. Auntie Maiden here will keep you company.” And they both left, sniggering to themselves.
Mike was left alone in despair. What could he possibly do to get out of his current position? He was in grave danger and he had lost his contact with Ulmer. He was helpless. He heard a whistle outside the room, and then some footsteps. The door opened and Leo came in. He saw Mike and grinned...
Back at the hospital, Gil awoke with a start. He tried to open his eyes slowly but the light was too strong. He tried again and this time he managed. Gil pulled himself up and moved his eyes around the ward. He saw the others sitting around Ron’s bed and talking. They seemed upset. Then Gil realised that not all of them were in the room. Brandon was missing and so was Mike. He then recalled what Marcellus had said to him about Mike being in Hell and the thought of his friend being in danger made him regain his strength.
“Hey there guys, what's up?" He managed to say. The Pythons and Ron turned to him looking pretty shocked.
"Gil! You woke up! You're OK, thank God!" Eric cried out with joy and then they all went near him and sat around his bed, except for Ron of course, since he was still stuck in his bed, the lazy bugger.
"So tell us, how do you feel? What took you so long to wake up?" Gray asked.
"I was in a coma, how could I wake up? Duh!” he replied dryly, “Although, it was all weird and stuff. I remember having this dream - I found myself in this white room and there standing before me was Marcellus, my beast! He scared the crap outta me, but he helped me return. He also said something very bad. He said that Mike and his beast are stuck in Hell. He’s been taken prisoner. We gotta do somethin’ to help him,"
The entire group exchanged worried looks. Gil rubbed his head and then said,
"And where’s Brandon? Have those nasty beasts takin’ him too?"
"No, no he's at the hospital's canteen buying coffee,” said Jonesy.
"Yes, but he's been there for quite a while," said Ron from his bed, “I wonder where he’s gotten to,”
On the first floor canteen, Brandon was drinking some black coffee quietly, when out of a nearby ventilation shaft, a long stream of black smoke appeared and surrounded him. In a matter of seconds, he vanished…
Leo approached Mike stuck in the Maiden. He saw him shaking in pure terror, and said,
"Now its time to show me what you're made of, boy," and he produced a sharp knife, grinning evilly.
Mike closed his eyes tightly as if he knew what Leo was about to do. But he didn’t. Instead he threw the knife to the ground. Mike looked at him completely startled. Leo gazed deep into Mike’s eyes. He grinned and suddenly Mike felt 15 large spikes insert themselves into the right side of his body. He could only give out loud, but stifled cries. Leo had shut the left door of the Maiden. He then reopened the door to find the right side of his body completely impaled and he was weeping with much anguish.
“I know about you, young Michael,” He growled threateningly, “You wanna destroy us, yeah? Destroy the 1000 demons that had escaped Sheol? Hmm? Hmm? Well I’ve got news for you. You can’t destroy every single little demon! We can easily whip your sorry arses! You should know that. Even God knows that. Just go home. Leave us alone!” He spoke, quite quickly and in a desperate tone.
Mike tried to cry out for him to stop, but that proved hopeless.
“God can’t save you now!” he yelled in fury, and shut the door again, impaling Mike once more. Yet again, Mike wailed in agony, “He let grand lord Satan rule over the planets,” He continued to speak to him, “That’s why there’s death and suffering and pestilence in this universe. God doesn’t love you. He doesn’t love any of you.” Leo glared at him then picked up the knife again, opened up the Maiden’s head and pointed it straight at his face. “If you don’t leave, I’ll do it. I’m not scared of you.” Mike shook his head feebly as more tears descended down his battered face.
I BEG OF YOU! PLEASE DON’T!
Leo barred his teeth then began to slash away at Mike’s face.
“LEAVE! LEAVE! YOU LOUSY LITTLE FREAK!”
Mike couldn’t do anything. He tossed and turned to try and avoid the slashing knife, but it didn’t work. Leo stepped back panting heavily, with a murderous glare. Mike simply stood weeping uncontrollably, vulnerable and fragile, looking completely miserable and discarded, left to be tortured by an Iron Lady in the depths of Hell. Leo stopped for a moment as he saw that his tears were beginning to turn red. He was crying tears of blood again.
Michael. I have to… I have to do it. There’s no other option left for us. This is the only means of escape.
“The cry of a beast,” Leo said, in a state of shock. “Holy--”
“GRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” came the deafening, stifled roar from Mike’s mouth.
His facial wounds started to heal up. His tattoos began to re-grow again across his arms and back, but this time they grew over his entire framework. His hair grew longer, his muscles expanded dramatically. His gold/green eyes looked around manically, gleaming brightly. He burst open out of the Maiden’s grasps, sending bits of the device flying everywhere. It was a sight to behold. He ripped off his gag to reveal his razor sharp canines dripping with saliva. Leo trembled in fear at the beast. Demon Ulmer had returned, but he was slightly different from before. Good Ulmer still had slight control over him, so although he was an overly powerful, psycho, carnivorous maniac, he would only kill the bad guys and would not turn on the good.
“DISGUSTING PIECE OF BULLSHIT. MUST KILL!”
Mike threw down punch after punch upon Leo and kicked him in the stomach, throwing him across the room and colliding with a glass cabinet, which then shattered and fell upon him. Mike raced up to him at lightning speed and proceeded to lift the cabinet off of him. He picked him up and banged his head against the wall repeatedly. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Every time he did, Mike heard Leo’s skull crack against the heavy stonewall. He continued to violently strike Leo’s head without any sense of remorse. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Leo fell to the ground dead, leaving a long stain of blood trailing behind him on the wall. Then Mike did something very, very disgusting.
“FAT, JUICY, BEEFY GOODNESS. ALL MINE, ALL MINE,” He sneered and ripped open Leo’s chest and began to gorge on the juicy treats inside. He munched on his intestines, stomach, kidneys, liver, gallbladder, pancreas, heart and bits of his brain, blood and muscle fluid splattering everywhere. Whilst this graphic event was happening, outside in Leo’s main room, a cloud of black smoke appeared, and out of it emerged a dazed Brandon.
How the hell did I get here? Actually, where exactly is ‘here’?
Brandon’s ears perked up as he began to hear the sound of loud chomping coming from a door to his left.
"What the hell?" he muttered to himself and proceeded to Leo's room. He opened the door to see a crazed, possessed Michael wolfing down bits and pieces of Leonard. "JESUS CHRIST!" Brandon shouted.
Mike looked up from his dinner to see a terrified person standing against the doorway. Michael slowly got up and walked over to Brandon, his eyes wide open, staring at him. Blood caked Mike's arms, chest, and face. He opened his mouth to bare his blood stained fangs. When Mike's face was just an inch away from Brandon's, he started to sniff and backed off. Mike went back to his dinner. Brandon watched in disgust and shock as Mike finished off the body. Michael then closed his eyes and his tattoos disappeared and he returned back to his normal stature. He fell to the floor, grabbing his stomach as he did. Brandon reached out and broke his fall.
"Oh, my stomach," Mike moaned and the carnage that was Leo scattered out before him. Michael's eyes widened. "Sweet Jesus."
"It's all right," Brandon said to him. "What's done is done. Let's get you out of here."
"I'll go check on Brandon," John said. He walked towards the cafeteria and saw a dropped cup of coffee. "Blimey! He’s gone!" John rushed back to the room the Pythons were in.
"Brandon's gone!" he shouted.
"The bastards," Ron said. "They took Brandon. We’ve got to find a way to get down there..."
Beelz walked down a torch lit hallway, carrying the sword. There was a door at the end of the hallway. Beelz stopped in front of it and let out a deep breath. He was about to knock when he heard a voice.
"Come in," it said. Beelzebub opened the door to a room with a big fireplace and found a figure sitting in a winged back chair.
"What is it you want, Beelzebub?" the figure asked him.
"Well, I have this sword here and I was wondering--"
"A sword, you say," the figure said with a Cheshire cat grin. "It's not THE sword that banished me to the depths, is it?"
Beelz gulped. "Y-yes. It is."
"Bring that little twat who killed my best magician and his friend in here. They're wandering about trying to escape."
"I will, my lord," Beelzebub said and walked out.
"There's gotta be a way out," Brandon said.
"Hey! You!" Beelz called out. "Someone wants to see you two."
Michael and Brandon began to back off when they heard growling. They turned around to see three hellhounds snarling at them. They proceeded down the hall and entered the fireplace lit room.
"So you're the pathetic human who is wielding Michael's sword, is that right?" the figure asked Mike. There came no answer. "ANSWER ME, BOY!"
Mike jumped. "Y-y-yes."
The figure got out of his chair and walked over. The light from the fire had shown his face a little, but nothing more.
"That's what I thought," the tall figure said. He looked to Beelzebub. "Make them kneel."
Beelz kicked the back of their knees and Mike and Brandon went to the floor. The figure smirked and went back to his chair, but stopped suddenly and cocked his head, his ear perked up. A whispering wind came through.
"It comes to my attention that you are also one of the six dreaded beasts of Rekon," the figure said.
"Yes," Mike quickly answered. "You know you can't--"
"Shut up, I'm talking," the figure said calmly. He looked into the fire. "You know I could just rip your soul out and toss you into Sheol and leave you there for eternity, but no. I must refrain myself from doing so." The figure glanced over his shoulder and twirled his hand. There came a sickening crack and Mike saw Brandon fall to the floor.
"You killed him!" Mike shouted.
"I simply made him unconscious. I didn't kill him completely, oh no," He paused. "Do you know I am? Seriously. I've been talking for maybe five minutes or so and you still haven't figured out who I am?" The figure got up and the flames became brighter. Michael could now see who it was. The man was tall and resembled a young Jonathan Pryce with scarlet red eyes.
It was Lucifer.
"You," Mike whispered.
Lucifer chuckled. "Yes, it's me. How are you, Michael? Enjoying your stay down here?"
"Bastard," Mike said softly, with anger on his face. He was about to get up, when he felt a hand reach into his chest.
"I could rip out your heart right now if I wanted to," Lucifer, now in his face, said. He let go. "No. I have something better in mind. Hand me the sword."
Beelz handed him the sword, but the moment it touched his hand, it burned Lucifer's hand, even though the cloth was wrapped around the hilt.
"Curse that archangel!" Lucifer grimaced. "No matter," He turned to Michael. "As soon as I have his soul I'll use the sword for my own purpose." He approached Michael and placed his hand in front of Mike's chest. Lucifer closed his eyes and concentrated. When he reopened them they glowed a deep red. A light emerged from Mike's chest; Michael began to yell.
"I have you now," Lucifer said in a deep demonic voice.
“Nnn-nooo, yoou-oo-d-d-d-DON’T!” came a god-like voice.
There was a loud boom. Both Lucifer and Mike found themselves being flung into the air and both hitting opposite walls. Mike panted heavily, backing against the wall for support.
Michael. It’s time. Use the spell. Quickly!
“B-but Ulmer- I-I--”
Please Michael. You should be strong enough now to take my full power. Chant the spell!
“Ok, I’ll do it…” Michael panted. When he got his breath back, him and Ulmer started the spell, “על ידי הכוח השקיע בי על ידי האלוהים יהוה שלנו, אני מבקש את הסמכות…”
“Curses!” Lucifer said angrily. He looked to see Michael chanting something. His eyes bulged out in shock. “He’s not going to--” He then gasped, “NO! DON’T YOU DARE!”
“-לקשר את הנפשות שלנו יחד לאיזה אנחנו יכולים לחיות בשלום ואחדות.”
“St Gabriel’s spell…”
“NO! NO!” Lucifer pleaded.
“…of the bonding souls…”
“NOOOOOOOO!” Lucifer cried.
As soon as Mike said these last words a blue light enveloped him and he suddenly curled up into a foetal position and he was being lifted up and up into the air. It was like he was turning into a giant electric floating orb. In a split second the light dispersed and Michael’s legs and arms suddenly spread out into a sort of star shape with Michael screaming and howling at the sky in extreme pain. The tattoos began to glow and singe his skin once more. A long silvery tail burst from his back. His whole face began to contort, as his jaws were slowly and painfully extending, and his hair growing rapidly and turning silvery grey. He shut his eyes tightly, falling victim to this excruciating pain.
“ULMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!” Michael pleaded and let out another horrifying shriek.
His bones were cracking. His muscles were growing. His fangs growing back once again. He opened his eyes. They were burning a fierce turquoise colour. The light shrouded him again, this time an almost heavenly light. The lit fire burnt out. The room went black. Lucifer recovered from his fall and stood up. The place was pitch black.
There was a small speck of light in front of him. Then two. Then three. Then four, five, six small orbs of light.
What’s that? I wonder…
He walked over to see what it was when suddenly a colossal energy knocked him down, sending him flying once more. When he landed, he noticed that he wasn’t in his room anymore. No, he was at the entrance to the Graves of Sheol. Lucifer saw the huge black gates, with millions of red demonic eyes of the ghostly phantoms and ghouls glaring back at him and swaying their arms about in anticipation. Lucifer’s eyes widened, as he backed off away from the gates. He turned round to run away but stopped and to his surprise, he noticed the 6 orbs again. But he perceived that the sixth orb in the middle was the biggest. Sharp electrical currents formed around it. Inside the orb, he saw two turquoise dots, floating inside, that seemed to be staring at him. Lucifer squinted his eyes to see what it was when…
The turquoise dots lunged at him aggressively. Lucifer tried to make a break for it but was pinned to the ground by an unspeakable force. The two dots towered several metres above him. Underneath the pair was a larger black dot and below the black dot were 20 sharp spikes, glistening intensely. The dots and spikes seemed to be surrounded by a strange silvery texture. The look of horror on Lucifer’s face when he looked up was clear. He knew what it was.
“…Ulmer.” Lucifer said softly, and gulped hard.
“Lucifer,” Replied the creature hunched over him. “Time to be sent to the Chamber of Doom to which you belong.” He snarled, gesturing to the gates.
“You wouldn’t dare,” Lucifer growled. “You were the quietest and scrawniest of the beasts. You wouldn’t hurt a fly, let alone one of the great rulers of the underworld.”
“This is true. But I’m different now,” Ulmer said and grabbed hold of Lucifer and dragged him near to the gates.
Lucifer then realised Ulmer really wasn’t backing down from his plan. Lucifer smirked and twisted both hands around. SNAP! CRACK! Ulmer let out a sharp roar and fell to the ground. Lucifer had broken his hind legs.
“You aren’t getting me that easily, you dumb dog.” Lucifer sniggered.
The Great Wolf turned to look at him, eyes blazing, teeth barring.
“Now its time to send YOU to the Chamber of Doom to which you belong!” Lucifer laughed.
“Over my dead body, you disgusting Devil!” shouted Ulmer, and shot a lightning bolt from his mouth which electrocuted Lucifer so much, it immobilized him. Ulmer grabbed Lucifer by the nape of his neck with his teeth. The gates opened up, a slight wind came up behind Ulmer. Lucifer's eyes widened as he heard the voices beckoning him.
"No! Don't send me back!" he yelled.
"Go back to the depths from which you came," Ulmer said telepathically.
He flung Lucifer into the darkness. He screamed as the blackness shrouded him and stifled his cries. The red glowing eyes looked to Ulmer, but he warned them.
"You shall not have me," he said to them. "I am more powerful and stronger than most of you. Do you doubt me?"
The glowing eyes stared at him for a minute, then disappeared. Ulmer crawled back to the pitch-black room. He turned back round to see that Brandon had woken up. Beelzebub had fled the room after the big boom.
"Are you all right, Ulmer?" Brandon asked. Ulmer closed his eyes and slowly he transformed back into Michael, who collapsed to the floor. Brandon rushed over to him. "Michael! Speak to me!" he exclaimed, turning Mike over and holding him in his arms. "Say something!" Michael's eyes slowly opened to reveal a pair of hazel eyes.
"Something," Michael managed to get out and grinned.
Brandon grinned along, but Mike's grin soon disappeared. His face grimaced and Mike lifted his head up to look at his legs.
"Bastard broke my legs," Mike said hoarsely.
"We'll get that taken care off," Brandon. Then he just remembered something. "You can heal yourself, can't you?"
"I don't think I can,” Mike murmured, “but give me your hand and I'll channel God's Touch through you as you put your hand on my head."
Brandon gave it shot and held Mike's right hand; he placed his hand on his head. They both concentrated on the power and a yellow stream of light travelled from Mike's hand, through Brandon's body and out through his hand. The light shined and soon vanished as Mike let go and slowly rose up, with the help of Brandon. By the omnipotent power of God, it seemed that Mike’s wounds and broken legs had been healed… however…
“Mike?” Brandon spoke, “You’re alright now, aren’t you?”
Mike turned to Brandon with a pained look. His legs had been healed, but his wounds from the bus crash, his own sword, and Leo’s attacks still remained, although they didn’t appear as bad as they were previous.
“Well… ugh… I am mostly,” he replied, his voice slightly husky, and his face creasing up with pain, “but I think that since we are in the pits of probably the most demonic place in the universe, God’s power seems a lot weaker down here than anywhere else. The aroma of evil forces around us is very intense.”
“Ah, I get it… sorta,”
Mike let out a low groan. With some amount of strain, he reached down and grabbed the sword. He unwrapped the cloth that covered the hilt and said,
"Hello, you." with a happy voice.
He turned back to Brandon and rose up again, sword in hand. Brandon caught a glimpse of Mike’s turquoise eyes. They seemed to be gleaming with a sudden confidence. Brandon couldn’t understand how or why they had suddenly changed back to that sparkling turquoise colour. Not only that, he seemed to be grinning to himself, like nothing had happened. Did something come about when he touched that sword? Most likely…
"Now then, my fine friend,” Mike said proudly, “I can’t just stay round here moaning to myself about these silly injuries all day. Let us go and slay some demons!"
Brandon grinned at him, despite his earlier uncertainty.
“Hell yes! That’s the spirit!” he laughed.
Meanwhile, back in the hospital, John was having a right good ol’ bitch fit.
"Bloody bastards! They’re trying to decimate us! First Mike, and now Brandon! STUPID DEMONS! WAIT TILL I COME AND WRAP MY BLOODY HANDS ROUND YOUR GODDAMN NECKS! YOU’RE ALL DOOMED!"
Eric grabbed John and slapped him across the face.
"Relax Johnny!” Eric snapped, “We’re as pissed off as you are about this, but you don’t have to get all stressed out about it! Sheeesh! You’re such a grumpy moron!”
“John has a point though,” Jonesy said, “We’ve got to get down there ASAP! Something real bad could’ve happened to ‘em!”
“Mind you,” Gray added, “Mike and Brandon make a great team together. I'm sure they can take care of themselves."
John sat on a chair and exhaled. “The two of them against thousands upon thousands of demonic fiends? They’ve got no chance in hell!”
Ron, who had been lying down for quite some time suddenly leapt out of bed and began to jump excitedly up and down on the spot. Everyone turned to Ron with mystified looks etched on their faces.
“Is he mentally disturbed?” inquired Jonesy.
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” scoffed Eric.
“Eureka!” Ron shouted, a bit too excitedly, “I have just remembered a spell I learned a long time ago that can make you go to Hell!!”
“And that's a good thing? Go to hell Ron!” snapped Gil.
Ron glanced at him with an annoyed look upon his face, but that soon faded, as his excitement was too grand. He continued talking,
"We shall go fully armed and prepared of what we shall confront, because you John," and he turned to him as John raised his head, "are going to tell us. You have the ability of dreaming about the future and you have visions and things. Concentrate therefore and contact your demon if you want to help your friends. Meanwhile me and the children," Eric glared angrily at that last sentence, "are going to prepare the spell."
So they left leaving John stunned and all alone. Ron and the other Pythons went to the nearest room and locked the door. Then Ron produced a huge book from his pocket to the amazed faces of the rest,
"What? It compresses to fit in," he stated and then started reading from it. "First we must light a fire... no problem," he said and did some weird gestures when he was done a big fire was on the ground of the hospital room without burning it. "Good, good. So now we are almost ready. We must all gather round the fire and chant but wait!” He paused, “Our dear John is missing! Will you be so nice to go and fetch him?" he said to Gil.
Gil shot Ron with an irritable stare, but obeyed and scuttled out the room...
Back in the empty ward, John was trying to contact his demon.
“Where are you then? C’mon I need you. Wake up you sod!”
Alright, Mr Moody. Snapped the beastly voice within his head, making John nearly crap his pants, I’m here, I’m here. Right, what do you want? This better be important as I was enjoying a nice nap before you interrupted me.
“You’re a rude little shit, aren’t you?”
Aww, shame. Go cry to your Mother.
“Well for your information, this is urgent! My friend Mike is currently trapped down in Hell, and I’ve contacted you so that you can help. Didn’t you already know?”
Well, I had no idea of this event occurring since you’ve never bothered to even contact me.
“I’ve tried to contact you before but YOU NEVER EVEN ANSWER!”
Fine, fine, no need for the shouting, you deranged lunatic. Now shut up and listen…
Back in the eerie depths of Hell, Mike and Brandon were lurking around for some demons to slaughter. They moved quietly but quickly. However, there was no demon in sight. After a while, Mike stopped walking and Brandon gave him a puzzled look.
"C’mon Mikey, get a move on. What happened to that energetic attitude from earlier?”
Mike gave him a tired look. "I’m feelin’ queasy after scoffing that demon’s internal organs, and my body in general’s a little weak, in case you’ve forgotten. I think it'd be wiser if we waited for the others."
Brandon remained quiet for a moment and then said, "Well if we waited for the others, it might be too late. The demons are already aware of our presence and they could easily come right at us. The others don't even know how to get here - I'm not quite sure they know where HERE is. I think we should keep going.”
Mike thought for a moment and then agreed, “Alright, but can we at least slow down a little bit, please? And forget about slayin’ demons. I’ll do that another day.”
Brandon grinned and nodded his head. And so off they went, slower this time, down the tunnels to find an exit, since they’d decided to scrap their original plan of killing the demons. Now, they just wanted to get the hell out of… Hell…
Gil found John muttering some incomprehensible words and ran towards him. When Gil saw John, he let out a stifled chuckle.
“What’s so funny, huh?” John asked, “Is it me? My face? Is there a spider on my head? Spill it!”
“N-n-n…” Gil stopped and giggled some more, “N-nothing, John.” He snorted and quickly made his way out before he was about to burst out laughing.
Stupid American ponce. John thought, rolling his eyes. He sighed then made his way out to follow Gil…
Beelzebub ran back to find Shalbriri and the others. He had to tell them what had happened.
“You will not believe what that brat with the sword’s just gone and done!”
All the demons lifted their heads and turned to face Beelz standing by the door.
“What?” Phil enquired.
“He’s just banished Master Lucifer to the Depths of Sheol!”
A wave of gasps and annoyed groans filled the room.
“Bloody Hell!” cried Vetis anxiously.
“And he killed Leonard,” Beelz added, which led to more groans from his fellow demons.
“We gotta kill that stupid mutt!” shouted one of them.
“The sake of the Underworld depends on it!” cried another.
Shal then suddenly rose up to silence the commotion.
“Right! I have a plan, He announced, “Gather as many of the other demons, hellhounds, phantoms etc as possible from every part of Hell, and fast!”
Beelz shook his head, “Can’t do that, Shal,”
“If anyone of us went down to the deepest parts of Hell, into the depths of the Underworld and to the gates of Sheol, they never ever come back. Remember what happened to Ornias? He went down to try and save his sister from being cast down, but the ghosts of Sheol took a liking to him and dragged him through the Gates and he was never seen again.”
Shel sighed, “I guess we’ll just have to make to with these guys then,” he said sadly, pointing to the others.
Beelz nodded. “Correct, but remember there are over 100 of us in the upper parts of Hell that you’re unaware off. That’s more than enough.”
Shal’s face lit up at Beelz comments and he grinned evilly. So Shal ordered the others to gather and equip the remaining 80 demons from the higher points of Hell and to bring them to the main dungeon where they had congregated...
"Alright boy?” Ron asked John as he entered the room, “You ready for--” He suddenly paused and began to scan his eyes up and down the length of John’s body. “Crikey, what happened to you?” he said, leading to another quiet snigger from Gil.
John furrowed his brow, “What are talking about? All I did was make contact with my beast, whom, might I add, is probably the most egotistical bastard in the entire universe.”
Ron continued to stare, and soon the other Pythons too had intrigued, slightly amused looks about them. Ron motioned John to view himself in the window behind. The moment John caught a glimpse of his reflected self, he flinched slightly and backed away,
“Woah,” he muttered, although he was clearly not amused by what he was looking at. He noticed that about 40% of his skin had grown scales, he had fins attached to his elbows, his eyes had turned silvery, and he had grown two rows of sharp serrated teeth. “Now that bastard’s gone and turned me into the bloody fish-man!” shouted the tall one, glaring at his reflection in disgust.
“Ah, c’mon, at least your not a psycho Werewolf.” Jonesy chortled.
“John,” Ron called to him, “Just forget about that and get over here, and I’ll explain what we’re going to do.”
John looked to the ground, sighed deeply, and then made his way forward towards Ron’s circle drawing.
“So, any news from ‘Mr Beast’?” Ron asked, as John strode past him towards the other Pythons,
“Yeah,” John muttered, “Although my ‘Mr Beast’ is a complete prick, he did provide some useful info on Mike and Brandon. He stated that both are in adequate form, although he did mention that Mike had sustained some bad injuries, and he said that they’re currently in some dark tunnel looking for an exit.”
“Well, at least we know that they’re not dead or anything. Excellent work, my boy,” Ron smirked. He raised his arms and began to clap his hands together to attract the attention of the others, “Right then everyone, listen up,” he announced.
All eyes fixed upon him as Ron began to talk though his plan of action,
“Before we can possibly enter Hell, there is a certain gateway that we must access. That gateway will take us to the River Styx. Following the river’s current will take us to the entrance of Sheol, from there we must navigate through the many labyrinth tunnels that will eventually lead us to the main demon dormitories, dungeons, and Lucifer’s room and also, hopefully, to the location of Mike and Brandon. This circle’s really just a teleportation device. Now, gather round the circle all of you.” They nodded and did so. Ron crouched in the middle where the bonfire had been put and carried on his instructions, “Instead of placing your hands upon the circle like how we did a couple of days ago, you’re all going to place your hands upon me, so that we may all teleport together.”
The Pythons looked round at each other with puzzled expressions, but sighed and placed their hands on Ron’s body anyway. Ron brought his index and middle finger together towards his head and began to focus. Then he sang a spell in Latin:
“Validus Meretricis of barathrum, commodo tribuo mihi ops obduco per vestri porta quod lucrum obvius ut Abyssus.”
The circle lit up in a bright gold colour and soon Ron and his boys vanished from sight...
“Once you spot Ulmer, show him NO MERCY!” declared Beelzebub, addressing the crowd of demons. He then lifted up his weapon (a blooded mace) and shouted, “For Master Lucifer!”
“FOR MASTER LUCIFER!” they all howled in unison.
Down in the ghostly depths of Hell, Ron and the Pythons emerged from the darkness, still in their previous positions. Everyone opened their eyes and gazed around the cave-like environment in wonder. That was, until Graham spotted something.
“Where’s John?” he asked Ron.
“Don’t tell me the demons have taken HIM TOO!” Jonesy whinged.
“No, No. I think Gragoloon’s taken him,” Ron replied.
Graham and the others raised an eyebrow, “How?” he asked.
“Whilst we were travelling, since John was in his ‘Half-Beast’ form, Gragoloon must’ve smelt the scent of ‘Half-Beast’ Michael, and could’ve taken John to Mike’s location. Gragoloon maybe a grumpy git, but he’s a very clever git.”
“He and John are the perfect match then,” Eric said, smirking to himself.
Meanwhile, not very far away, Mike and Brandon had gotten very lost in the Underworld’s dark tunnels, unaware of the possible dangers that lurked there. They stopped on the spot as they heard the sound of a person groaning.
“W-what was that?” Brandon spoke.
Mike stretched his ears and tried to listen.
“Where’s it coming from?” he said and looked around carefully.
This person kept groaning and mumbling some incomprehensible rubbish. It echoed down this particular tunnel, rather faintly but just enough for it to be heard. Mike followed the groans, with Brandon not far behind. They walked quietly and carefully till they reached a turn. There the groaning man's voice could be heard clearly.
"Oh... you silly sod!” The man complained, “Where did you bring me? Why didn't you let me stay with the others? … Hey, you’re the haughty one here! Bastard! How could I possibly be of any help, all alone in this darkness… What? ‘I’m not alone?’" He seemed to be arguing to himself. Once they heard that, Mike and Brandon dashed and hid behind a huge rock. Mike moved his head so he could see. He recognised this man to be John. But he looked so strange and... was he talking to himself? Brandon was ready to reveal himself to John but Michael stopped him.
"What are you doing?” he asked, “As far as I know this could easily be a demon. He could have posed as John. Or it could be a shapeshifter, you never know! I must be sure first."
"How are you gonna be sure?"
"Look at him,” Mike said, "Don’t you think John looks a little… odd? He looks like a complete freak. I’m going to sniff him out to make sure he ain’t what I think he is.” Mike arose from behind the rock and cautiously moved towards John who was still talking to himself.
Michael, Ulmer spoke, making Mike stop in his tracks, That man isn’t a disguised demon - It’s really John. Why he’s like that is because he’s made contact with his beast Gragoloon and is now speaking to him. Gragoloon called me right before he came here. He sensed our presence and brought John here to help us unite and fight these malicious beings off.
"But I don't see Mike anywhere!” John continued to shout to himself, “Where are we, dumbass?! What? … ‘Look behind me?’" John turned just as Mike and Brandon were approaching him. He recognised Brandon but Mike's exhausted looks frightened him.
"Oh my, what have the bastards done to you?!"
Mike looked at him happily and answered, "Oh nothing, nothing, don’t go worrying about me. I’m okay.” A small grin grew on his face, “Ah, it’s great to see you again. Is everyone alright?"
John nodded. "Yeah, they’re fine. They should be somewhere here," he said looking around as if he'd find them hidden behind the walls, "But that's only according to my incredibly rude beast - I don't know for sure…"
"It's alright,” Mike added, “they can’t be too far,"
“Mr Daft Doctor Ron said something about taking ‘em to a gateway that leads to someplace called Styx.”
“Actually, I think I've heard something about a River called Styx,” Brandon said to the two ‘Half-Beasts’, “It leads to the dreaded Sheol gates, where the most terrifying of spirits lay in wait. The demons on the upper levels don’t dare to go anywhere near it.”
“Uh oh,” said John, “We’ve gotta find them quickly before those disgusting bastards kidnap ‘em and gobble ‘em up!”
And with that, they quickly set off…
The congregation of evil beings had been searching for around 15 minutes. They had all split up into groups of at least 4. One of the groups consisted of Vetis, Lil, a demon named Kobal, and a hellhound simply named ‘Dip’. They were hastily looking around for any clues to the whereabouts of Ulmer. They had gone down to the detention cells, which led to the Labyrinth tunnels. Since the incident involving the demon Ornias, Lucifer had ordered all other demons that worked in the upper quarters of Hell not to enter or even go near the tunnels that led deep into the Underworld and to the Rivers that surrounded Sheol. Only the so-called Dukes and Royal Princes of Hell were allowed, since they had direct links to the mightiest of Devils - much stronger and devious than even Lucifer himself - that controlled the Underworld below.
“Nope, there not here,” Lil said to Kobal, “Let’s check the Dungeon again upstairs--” She paused and turned her head towards Dip, who was sniffing around the entrance to the Labyrinth. “There’s no use examining there, Dippy. We’re not allowed down there anyway.”
Dip lifted his head up then began barking back manically.
“Dippy! Bad boy!” snapped the ever-impatient Lil.
Vetis raised his hand into the air to shush the she-demon.
“No, no Lil. I think he’s telling us something,” He said to her. He went over to calm down the excited dog. “He thinks the brat’s gone down here. He can trace the scent of fellow hounds, even someone as god-like as Ulmer.”
“But Vetis, you know full well we are not allowed down there. Master Lucifer commands it!”
“Master Lucifer is no more. He can’t tell us what to do anymore. I’m going down there, and I’m going to kill that twerp whether you’re coming or not.”
Vetis gestured to Dip, and both made there way into the Labyrinth. Lil and Kobal looked on at them as they became obscured by the ghostly darkness and soon vanished from their view.
The intrepid group of one Rekonian and two monstrous looking Pythons were on their way to Styx, when John suddenly stopped.
"I can't take this anymore! I’m tired and hungry and this bloody river is too far! Can’t we find a way to bring them here?"
“Come off it, John,” Brandon groaned, “this is not the time or place for your discrepancies. We’re almost there, I’m sure of it.”
Mike gave Brandon a worried look.
“Do you think Ron and the others are actually down here looking for us?” He said, worry in his voice, “I’m starting to get really worried about their whereabouts.”
“I know what you mean. Ron can go a little overboard with things (I mean Ron was clever but he hadn't exactly had the best sense of what was risky and what wasn’t). But trust me, we’ll find ‘em very soon.”
"You won’t walking at that speed,” John declared, “C’mon, c’mon, slow coaches. No time like the present! Hurry, hurry, I want my curry!”
“I thought you said that you wanted to stop ‘cause you were tired.” Mike called to him.
“Stop talking and keep moving!” John shouted back, already way ahead of the other two.
Mike rolled his eyes, and said nothing. Brandon shook his head and he and Mike quickly followed along after John.
Grouchy ol’ sod
It took maybe no more than a few minutes of thorough searching before Ron and the remaining Pythons finally found the River Styx. And it stunk, mostly of rotting flesh.
“Be alert my children,” Ron spoke softly from in front, “The River Styx may not sound much, but it is one of the main rivers that circle Sheol, where the dead walk around aimlessly, and ghosts lurk ready to pounce on any unsuspecting being, demon or otherwise.”
Down the rivers current, Gil suddenly flinched at the sight of a strange figure from the corner of his eye. He flicked his head round. Nothing.
“Hey, what was that?” Gil whispered, turning his head back round addressing the others.
“I never saw nothin’,” Eric replied. “Your vivid imagination must be taking over your head again.” Gil shook his head in disagreement, but continued to walk anyway.
“Cor blimey, it absolutely reeks in here!” Gray said, his face creasing up in repugnance, “Largely of Parmesan, rotten garlic and dead dogs.”
Eric, and the two Terrys began to sniff the air and their faces too wrinkled up and all placed their hands upon their noses to block out the stench. Ron meanwhile was rather enjoying the River’s sharp aroma. Everyone kept their guard out whilst trailing down the river’s edge, although there was nothing really that could possibly harm them, not a ghoul or walking corpse in sight, to Ron’s surprise. The cave-like setting surrounding River Styx was dark and eerily quiet - Maybe a little too quiet. The atmosphere was surprisingly calm within the group too, that was apart from Gil. He was growing increasingly restless by the second, as his eyes kept on spotting that strange figure he saw earlier, and every time he tried to get a more detailed look by turning his head, it always vanished. From Gil’s perspective, the being appeared to be buoyant on the River, riding a little black boat, and was following them silently and placidly. Fortunately, Ron had spotted it too, but took no notice.
“Ron,” began the trembling voice of the young American, “Something’s watching us.”
“I know,” He replied, Gil’s eyes widening. “It’s one of the Charon, the infamous ferryman of the dead. I don’t know what your worried about, boy. It won’t harm you. It’s just doing its job.”
“What exactly does it… do?” Jonesy asked, joining in the conversation,
“He carries the souls of the deceased across the rivers Styx and Acheron to Sheol. The ones whom he does not accept are left to wander the outskirts of the rivers, alone. Those are the ones I were warning you about, but for some reason I haven’t spotted any wandering souls yet, which is strange…”
Ron’s voice trailed off for the moment, leading to worried looks on the Pythons faces,
“But still,” he suddenly announced, leading to stifled shocked gasps from the others, “We must press on children. Once we arrive at the river’s mouth that leads to the main Gate of Sheol, there we will enter into the Underworld, then to the Labyrinth tunnels leading to the upper quarters of Hell, and then to Brandon, John, and Mike!”
Eric looked over to his left to view the other side of the River. He stood intrigued, as he noticed a couple of childlike female ghosts peeking back at him, giggling innocently. They looked as if they had taken an interest to this longhaired chap across the River.
"No time lollygaggin' with those girls, boy," Ron said to Eric, “We have to find our three friends.”
Meanwhile, the three amigos were travelling down the dark tunnels to find the River.
"We must be getting close," John said.
"Good," Brandon and Mike said.
But they weren't even close to getting to the River as they saw an eerily red light in the distance. It was coming from the 60 ft Gates of Sheol, about 300 yards away, in the distance. Just then they heard a baying from behind. Someone was after them.
"Hurry!" Brandon cried and off they ran with John in the lead. The baying got closer and closer. They were getting close, but suddenly they tripped... because John stumbled and rolled his ankle for some odd... and strange reason. (Dun dun dun)
"C'mon, Johnny boy," Mike said, helping him up. "Let's go!" Then they heard a voice behind them.
"Good boy, Dip."
The three looked back to see three demons and a hellhound looking down on them with grins on their faces.
"We hit the jackpot," Lil said.
Meanwhile, not too far away, Ron and the other boys were coming up to the entrance to the evil labyrinth of evil tunnels leading up and up into the evil dormitories and evil dungeons and stuff of the evil demons of Hell.
"We must be ready," Ron warned them. "Be aware of any ghosts that take a liking in you and drag you to the blackness. These tunnels are just as dangerous as Sheol itself.”
They crossed a crumbling path, and walked up to a small black door. The smell of brimstone and sulphur filled the air.
"This is it, boys," Ron said and took hold of the door. He opened it.
"Well, well," Kobal said. "Well, well, well, well, well, well. If it isn't little Ulmer and his little bitch. Plus... a fish-man thing."
"Watch your tongue, mate," John said. "Or I'll really change into something you wished you'd never-- AAAGGHH!" John tightly shut his eyes as his decor was beginning to disappear. John opened his eyes and moaned, "Great."
The demons laughed.
"You pathetic twat," Vetis smirked. "You got no chance of defeating us. We're more powerful than you."
"What makes you think that?" Mike asked them. "I have the sword." In a most threatening of ways, he showed off the gleaming sword to the demons.
"Ooo, we're so scared! We're shaking in our little booties!" Kobal said, pretending to shake. Lilith held out her hand and pushed Michael up against a wall. She then did then the same to John and Brandon. Lilith focused all her power in Mike and began to suffocate him.
"You're so pathetic, you know that?" she told him. "Pretty soon, you'll be cast into the black and soon your two friends will follow."
Michael fought hard against Lilith's power. He started to smile, despite the fact that he was being choked to certain death.
"What's so funny?" Lil asked.
"You demons... think you're the shit," Mike said. "Think you're the most powerful thing on earth. You're nothing but... a bunch of... stupid... low-life... minions."
Lil started to get angry and tightened her grip. She moved closer to him.
"You think you're so fuckin' funny, don't you?" she said.
Michael laughed. "Of course... do you know what else is funny?" He reached out and grabbed hold of Lilith's outstretched hand. He pulled it away; Lil looked shocked as well as everyone else. Michael thrusted the sword into Lilith's heart. "I was fakin' it all along," he whispered.
Lil looked at him, eyes wide, then dispersed into a pile of black ash. John and Brandon fell to the floor. Kobal and Vetis could not believe their eyes. Vetis was the first to get angry and charged after Mike. Michael swung the sword and cut Vetis' head off. Mike then slowly approached Kobal.
"C'mon, Ulmer," Kobal said. "Have mercy, please. You were the only one that didn't like to kill much. Don't do this to me please! I promise I'll be good."
"Every demon has its day," Mike said with a maniacal look in his eye. "Now it's your turn."
And with that he brought the sword down on Kobal who dispersed into a pile of black ash. Only Dip the hellhound was left. Michael looked at him and growled. The hound whimpered and ran the other way.
"Good show, old boy!" a voice said behind them.
The three turned around to see Ron and the other Pythons standing there.
"So you guys just practically stood there while us three were being suffocated?!" John bellowed.
“Don’t be ridiculous! We’ve only just got here!” Eric replied, rather irately.
“You would honestly believe in your right mind that we would just stand here and watch you people die?! You petulant whippersnapper!” Ron shouted to John.
John had to snap back.
“You perverted bastard!” he spat.
“Rude little creep!” Ron fought back.
“Arrogant piece of shit!”
“WOULD YOU GUYS JUST SHUUUUT UUUUP!?”
Ron and John suddenly shut up, and turned to were the booming voice had come from. It was Jonesy, whose face was a dazzling shade of scarlet and seemed very ticked off.
“FOR GOD’S SAKE! Your behaving like bloody school-kids!”
Ron and John glared angrily at each other for a minute.
"Hmph!" They both muttered and turned their heads away in loathing.
“Can’t we just go HOME NOW?” Gil groaned.
Gray, Eric and Mike just exchanged looks of shear frustration and moaned heavily.
“At this stage, we aren’t going anywhere,” Brandon said, “Look, I know it’s been a very long couple of days for all of you,”
You can say that again. Mike thought,
“We’re all tired, we’re worn out, and we’re hungry--”
“HUNGRY?! I’M DYING HERE!” bellowed John, “Where’s my GODDAMN CURRY?!”
“If you mention the word ‘curry’ again, I’m gonna come over there and shove my foot so far up your arse, you’ll have toenails for teeth.” Brandon barked.
John lowered his head and whimpered quietly.
“Y-y-yes sir…” he muttered.
“Haha! Serves you right, you stupid brat,” Ron sniggered, making John look up and glare at him with probably the most frightful face in this entire story.
“Right… Ron? You’re the clever one here. Find us a way out already.” Brandon ordered.
“Hey, I’m about 500 years older than you. Don’t go ordering ME around!” Ron spat.
He gave him an angry look but did look around him trying to find a possible exit. They had much to do, but it would be no use if they stayed here all day. Suddenly, they heard a voice from down the tunnel that seemed to be talking to another being, the conversation going something like this:
“…so he said to me, “Jezebel and I are to be engaged.” And I say, “What? Focalor, she’s like the most stuck-up tart in the entire Underworld.” After that, he hasn’t talked to me in 200 years…”
"No way!" said the other voice.
"Yes way, but I ain’t bothered..."
The Pythons, Ron and Brandon looked directly to where the conversation steamed from. They looked surprised and curious.
"What the hell was that?” asked Gil.
"Beats me," said Ron.
They all moved towards an opening of another cave. There was light of a fire illuminating the whole place and shadows of spirits and ghosts could be detected against the walls. There at the entrance two Female spirits were talking to each other without noticing anything or anyone around them. They must have been some ghosts or something like that. The group approached them carefully in order to ask for information. Maybe they could help them find their way out. But as soon as they went near the light went off and the spirits disappeared. Only the two voices were still heard. Man, these two just wouldn't stop talking!
"Uhm... Excuse me! Can anybody help us?” inquired Eric, “We’re a little lost,”
There was silence. A few minutes later they felt something pass them. The lights went on again and the two spirits were standing next to them. They all jumped of surprise.
The woman whose voice they heard spoke:
"So, what can we do for you mighty beasts of Rekon… and your sidekicks?” she said.
"How do you know who we are?” asked John.
The spirit smiled at him and said, “Well your fame has travelled far and wide, even as far as the ghostly depths of Hell itself. Plus a group of demons passed a few minutes ago from here and gave us your pictures. They say you're dangerous!"
“Yeah, to you disgusting demons we are!” Gil growled, “Get ready to BEG FOR MERCY!”
“TERRY!” spat Ron, pushing Gil back, “Don’t jump the gun just yet! Let the nice lady speak.”
“So, who are you anyway?” Brandon said.
“Actually I’m one of the mistresses of this particular section of Hell, the head, the chief or whatever else you call it. I control something known as the ‘Eighth circle’, where all the fraudsters and treacherous ones go and suffer, and I tell the torturers what to do and stuff like how to saw this man’s head off and how many times to whip that woman etc. I know most of Hell like the back of my hand.”
"So, urm, will you help us get out?” Mike asked.
The spirit didn't speak. She thought for a while and then she said,
"Well. I would like to help you but under one condition. I want a reward."
The Pythons exchanged confused looks then stared back at her.
"What kind of reward?” asked Brandon.
"I don’t know yet. I will figure it out on the way. But you mustn’t refuse or else I'll send you down to the Sheol for ever!" They all stood staring in horror and then she started laughing. "Haha you should've seen you faces! You shit yourselves hahaha...” The group of 8 snarled at her and gave furious looks in her direction. She flinched with fear at their frightening glares and started humming to herself. “Ahem, ahem,” she coughed, getting back to the subject at hand, “Now, is everything clear? C’mon, I haven't got all day.”
She turned to her friend and told her: "You make sure everything stays as I left it by the time I get back, okay?"
The other spirit nodded.
"Off we go then!" she said in a merry tune looking pleased.
The Pythons walked and walked down past a load of dungeons and smelly old rooms with this pretty female ghost spirit thing leading them, when Ron scuttled past and reached up to her side.
“Are we there yet?” he asked her, “We’re very tired you know, and we’re in quite a hurry… erm, Mrs--”
“It’s Eve,” She said, staring back at him with a pair of sparkling emerald eyes. “That's me name. And, yes we're almost there, but I suggest you stop with the pestering please, you deranged old man.” She grinned evilly to herself and turned back round.
Ron stepped back with a startled look, but then smiled to himself.
What a strange person she is. I’m starting to like this babe.
ATTENTION: ENDING STARTS HERE
(This part was entirely written, well most of it is, by none other than the marvellous Ms T to the A to the N-Y-A to the underscore to the B to the I-- *BONG* Taaaaanya w-wrote iiiit … ugh … *faints*)
On and on the team were being led by the spirit. For one moment they thought they were going round in circles. They were starting to get a bit restless.
“Are we there yet?” Gil asked. No reply.
30 minutes later...
“Are we there yet?” Gil asked again. No answer.
5 minutes later.
“Are we –“
“Will you shut up for Christ’s sake, Terry!” John snapped.
Gil remained silent afterwards. They soon came to an open area with several passages leading somewhere. The spirit seemed to have a confused look on her face.
“Which way now, Tinkerbell?” John asked.
“Hmm... which one, which one?” she asked herself.
Michael’s spidey senses were tingling and widened his eyes. He looked up and snarled.
“What is it, boy?” Ron asked. “Is little Jimmy stuck in the well?”
“Shut up, Ron,” Brandon told him. “But Mike has something.” He too looked up. “Oh, dear. You should look at this.”
And indeed they did for circling all round them were the demons who were ready to take down the beasts plus the other two.
“You led us here, why?” Brandon asked the spirit.
She laughed evilly. “I was told you were on the loose, so I called up a few friends and let them know.” She laughed again and vanished.
“We’re bloody doomed,” Jonesy said.
“We can fight them,” Michael said. “Let’s show them what we’re made of. We’re the bloody six beasts of Rekon! We’re tough! We’re mean! And we can surely kick their little demon asses!”
“Good luck with that, mutt!” Shalbriri called out. “We’ll take you down and beat you to a pulp!”
“Well, come and get us!” Mike called back. He paused. “Unless if you’re too chicken to come out and play!”
“We’re not chicken!” Beelz shouted. “LET’S GET ‘EM!” CHAAAAAARRGE!!”
“Channel your powers, boys!” Ron immediately yelled.
They were one step ahead of him, for they had all transformed into their ‘Half-Beast’ forms. As the thousands of demons stampeded towards them, the gang braced themselves for what could be the biggest battle they have ever done. They all thought they may or may not make it out alive, but the show must go on. They looked to one another and said their “It was nice know you” statements telepathically. The thousand cries of a thousand demons filled the air; the Pythons were ready.
The first line of demons was easily crushed by the power of the beasts. Left and right the demons were destroyed and turned to ashes. Each of the six beasts used their powers to ward off the fiends. Brandon and Ron bashed and slew the demons with one fell swoop of their weaponry. Another group of demons were right behind the first one and when the gang got through with the first one, they thought this would never end. Like all the demons in the world had joined together to take the beasts and the two Rekonians to their depths and do away with them.
“We can do this!” Michael shouted with a tremendous confidence.
He shot two massive lightning bolts from his two fingers on both hands, causing half of the thousand-demon army to burn to a pile of dust. Gray’s excellent air bending skills were no match for them either, as a third of the army were catapulted into the air, back all the way from whence they came. Eric’s talents with manipulating sound waves shone through, as he caused chaos and disorientation for many of the demons with his high-pitched, and rather deadly attacks. Since dear old Gil had no special scroll or paper to draw on, he had to make do with a piece of chalk and the floor beneath him. Despite the considerable drawbacks of his powers, he unleashed rather spectacular drawings on the fiends ranging from a rampaging elephant to a vicious killer rabbit to a bazooka, which was used rather frequently. Terry J’s earth bending meanwhile managed to crush hundreds of these fiendish pillocks, but there was one tricky demon who managed to block the power just by touching the pressure points on Terry.
(W/N Like Ty Lee from Avatar, not the James Cameron one mind you.
E/N: Since the writer of this part seems to have an obsession with the Nick cartoon series known as ‘Avatar: the Last Airbender’, which tells the story of (hundred and) twelve yr old Aang, who is found in an iceberg with a flying bison known as Appa-- *BONG* a-anywaaaay, on w-w-with daaaa fiiiiiiic…)
Like a swift shadow of the night, it touched Terry’s points and Jonesy went down, losing his concentration and changed back into human form. The demon did the same to Gray, he too fell. Michael saw this and went to slay the demon who did this, but couldn’t because it would swiftly move and try to get at Mike, but he dodged every time it tried to attack him. Suddenly Ron came behind it and smote the demon. Michael gave a smile of thanks and Ron went back to slaying. Mike went to help Jonesy and Gray. He smoked demons left and right in the process of getting to them and with one slight touch of his finger, both were back up and fought with the weapons that the demons left behind when they were killed.
Beelz found Michael and came charging. Mike grinned to himself and clashed with him. Their swords met and sparks flew when they touched. Their swords crossed and found themselves up close in each other’s faces. Beelz was somewhat afraid of those turquoise eyes glaring at him, like they burned in his gaze; he couldn’t take his eyes off of those bright blue eyes staring at him. They pushed each other away; Beelz charged first with his sword over his head, but it was Michael who ended up being the winner of this contest. He plunged his sword into Beelz’s heart and Beelzebub ceased to exist. Shal saw this and was outraged. He was fighting Ron when all this happened. He sucker punched Ron and lifted him up by his collar. Mike and Shal’s gaze met and Shal thrusted his sword into Ron’s chest. Michael’s eyes widened in horror as Ron’s lifeless body fell to the ground. He turned his gaze back up to Shal who was laughing.
“Come on, you mangy mutt,” he said to Mike. “Let’s see if your little friends can help you defeat me. Oh, yeah, that’s right, ‘cause they can’t!”
Mike looked around and saw that his pals were starting to get weaker and weaker as they fought on, losing their beastly form, but they were still fighting strong in their human form. They soon discovered that Ron had been killed and were now furious.
“You killed him!” John shouted. “You bloody fuckin’ killed him!” All was silent when he yelled. Every demon stopped fighting and looked at the event that was now taking place.
“Bah,” Shal said. “You never even liked the creep!”
“Yeah, he was weird and shit, but he’s the one that got us free from Zaius’ evil grasp and he’s the one who helped us gain our powers!” Gil exclaimed.
“Zaius?” Shal asked. “That psycho of a monkey-man? Dude, he’s been after your hides ever since he came down here.”
“And now I can have my revenge!” came an evil voice.
Out of the crowd came that psychopathic ape who turned Michael and Terry into two barbaric, rabid beasts and tried to destroy the Pythons. Zaius stopped in front of Ron’s body and chuckled to himself.
“Thank Lucifer that he’s dead once and for all.” He looked back up at the Pythons. “Bligh, look at you all. Fearsome? No, I think not. You’re not as strong as you thought you were. Without the crazy person, you’re all nothing.” He swiped his arm and five of the six Pythons were pinned up against the wall, plus Brandon. Michael was the only one left standing in front of less than 50 demons plus one psychotic ape.
Zaius took a few steps more and said, “Now let’s see how well you . . . handle it.” He took out his sword and dragged it on the ground, walking in a circle around Mike. “I’ve waited ages for you, Michael. I’ve been counting down the days when I can finally return back to the surface reclaim what I have lost.” He finished making his circle and stepped back. “I’m not afraid of you, you know. Those turquoise eyes of Ulmer’s don’t frighten me at all.” He gestured at the circle. “If you think you’re man enough to step out of that circle and come at us, go ahead. But you won’t, I’ll promise you that. Without Ron’s words to give you courage, you’re nobody, but poor Michael Palin, a weakling with a ‘powerful’ sword.” He turned and began to walk. “You think you can make it out of here alive? Think again, my dear boy. The only way to get out is to pierce your own heart, by your own hand, with that sword. Only then will your friends be able to rise back to the surface, but you’ll be stuck down here. What do you think of that?” He said this last line as he turned around, but his face was met with an iron fist, and he fell to the ground.
“I think you ought to shut up,” Michael said.
The demons applauded at this feat. Shal smiled, but soon was met with a sword sticking out of his chest.
“That was for Ron, you bastard,” Mike said to him.
Shal crumbled to a pile of dust. Michael turned round to get the Pythons and Brandon free, but he felt a sharp object enter his heart. His eyes widened as he looked down as he saw his own sword stuck in his chest, with his hand on the hilt. He looked to his left and saw that it was Zaius who did this. Blood dripped out of Mike’s mouth as he took the sword out of his chest and fell on all fours. He then got up on his knees and let out a yell that combined his voice and Ulmer’s. It was a monstrous cry that shook the premises. When the yelling ceased there came a rumble upon the earth and Mike was being lifted up in the air. Up above, a heavenly light shined down and a figure of an angel appeared. The demons fled and hid from this sight. The angel held Michael up with one arm while he put his hand above Mike’s chest. A white light swirled up from his chest and into the angel’s hand. The wound healed up and the angel let go of Mike who slowly descended to the ground. The light vanished and the angel was no more. Michael laid on the ground, motionless. The Pythons thought he had gone, but Brandon noticed something. One of Mike’s fingers twitched and soon he moaned. Mike slowly got up, pain written on his face as he did so. He looked over to Zaius with a glare on his face. But something about Michael made Zaius worried. He looked human, yes, but there was an aura that made him cringe. He thought he had killed Ulmer once and for all, but he was wrong. Those turquoise eyes burned bright and had anger in them. Michael bent down to pick up the sword and went over to Zaius.
“Please, have mercy, Ulmer,” he said.
Michael gave no reply and thrusted the sword into Zaius. He fell to a pile of ash.
The Pythons and Brandon were released from their bonds and rushed over to Mike, but stopped suddenly as they saw his expression. It was a grave expression of exhaust and tiredness. He looked like a tired and beaten up old warrior who lived long enough and wanted to rest. Michael’s eyes rolled back and he fell to the ground. Brandon rushed over to see if he was okay.
“We really need to get him out of here,” Brandon said gravely. He pointed to Ron. “And him, too.”
“How are we gonna get out though?” Gray asked.
“Lift the sword in the air and say the word ‘home’,” Michael said eyes closed. “I haven’t the strength to do it.”
Brandon did the honors and did as what Mike said. Pretty soon a flash of white and they found themselves in Brandon’s mansion. They put Michael in a bed and went to give Ron a proper burial. They gave him a Viking funeral and as the pyre burned in the night, a certain breeze came upon them. They knew Ron was watching over them.
After the pyre was burned down to ashes, they came inside and sensed something was wrong. Things were smashed and there were claw marks on the walls.
“Oh, Ulmer, what have you done?” Brandon asked.
They walked a few more feet and there in the living room was a big grey wolf with tattoo markings. It sniffed and saw the people standing there. The wolf slowly walked up to them and stopped.
“Ulmer,” Brandon said. “Enough. There’s no need for you to be like this. You’re getting old. I know this because I see your thoughts. You can’t hide those from me.”
He approached Ulmer with his hand in front of him.
“Do you want to sleep?”
Those turquoise eyes looked at him tiredly.
“Of course, I understand.” Brandon’s hand touched Ulmer’s head, and Ulmer let out a loud yelp, a whine soon followed.
Ulmer’s form began to disappear and soon Michael was found lying on the floor naked. He opened his mouth and a white light swirled out of his mouth and vanished. This impacted the Pythons themselves and soon the same thing happened to them.
“What happened?” Jonesy asked.
“After Ulmer vanished out of Mike, the others soon joined him,” Brandon explained. “They were getting up in years, you kept them young in heart and strength, but their age caught up with them. It was time for them to depart and go up to meet their Lord. Do you understand?”
They all shook their heads. Mike started to wake up and was shocked to see himself naked in front of everyone.
“Put some clothes on, you fairy,” John said. Everyone giggled.
“Very funny,” Mike replied.
When Mike came back, everyone waited by a strange looking door in the main area.
Brandon entered the main area saying, “Right, as you can see here, we have a door. And through that door is your dressing room where you were before. You can stay here, or go back to your own time with your families. Your choice.”
“Option B please,” Jonesy declared, as he quickly shot out and leapt out the door.
“Oh, well then, I guess this is… goodbye,” Brandon said, a warm grin on his face.
The others took a while to say their goodbyes to Brandon and one by one they each stepped through.
(The next part is entirely written my moi. See if you can tell the difference, although I’ve think I’ve spoilt it a little, what with the upsets and everything *Waits for the rocks and fresh fruit to be thrown again*. But just remember this bit isn't the official ending, this is only an added extra.)
Upon stepping through this particular door, all the Pythons walked out onto a hard, stony surface beneath their feet. They all looked around the secluded area with bewilderment etched on their faces. They had arrived on Mt Lunas.
“This ain’t the dressing room,” Gil said.
“Of course it isn’t, you moron,” John sneered, “This is Mt Loony or whatever’.”
“But why are we here?”
“Door malfunction, maybe,” Mike considered.
“Meeeeowww,” purred a familiar voice.
Everyone twirled round to see a creepy looking creature perched on a small rock staring back at them, its lips spread out into a sly grin.
“Hello children, did you miss me?” the small creature asked, with a charming fashion about it.
“Who the hell are you?” Graham growled.
“Why, it’s your favourite witch-doctor extraordinaire, Doctor Faraday. Ronald, Ron, Ronnie-Boo, whatever you call me,”
“RON!?” Everyone exclaimed.
“Actually, don’t call me Ronnie-Boo,” the feline murmured, “Only Hilary, the lady from the Raunchy Bitch Club calls me that-- I mean, I don’t like that name, it’s unprofessional.”
“I thought you were dead and gone, snuffed it, joined the choir invisible and all that riff-raff!” John shouted in disbelief.
Ron turned his firm attention to John, and scratched his chin, “I thought that too, I think,” he replied, “But somehow I have been miraculously reincarnated back, as a feline, or something.”
“Back as a feline?” Mike said, inquisitively.
“We are, I mean, I am Siamese, if you please,”
“Woah, he’s a friggin’ CAT!” gasped Eric.
“Oh wow, whoopee do, I’m a iddy biddy gnat,” Ron replied sarcastically, “SO!? I’m just as talented and handsome as a gnat as I am a Rekonian,” He paused and mumbled to himself, “Well, that’s my 8th life gone. One more to go, mata nyamo…”
The Pythons exchanged confused looks, most notably Gil and Eric, the ones who haven’t had much involvement in this fic, and being the two loners, not much is known about their strange powers, or their beasts Keirstrider and Marcellus. Actually, what about Jonesy and Bernal? And Graham and Keaton? And … I seem to be going off in a tangent, so I’d best get back to the story…
“Gnat? Don’t you mean ‘cat’?” John corrected him.
“No, I said ‘gnat’,” stated Ron dryly, “A ‘cat’ is one of those stupid buzzy things that fly around sucking yer blood.”
John offered no reply, and simply stared at him with an amused look.
“Donskoy!” Ron suddenly declared.
Gray gazed behind to see who Ron was calling to. “What?” he inquired.
“Donskoy,” Ron repeated, “I am a Donskoy, a particular breed of gnat, story teller,”
“You said you were a Siamese.”
“Ok, I’m not Siamese,” Ron sniggered, “I just heard that phrase somewhere. Cutout lady,”
“How did you come to be a hu-- sorry, Rekonian?” asked Jonesy, seemingly interested in Ron’s puzzling upbringing.
“At the tender age of 50, with my highly superior skills in witch-craft, I conjured up a potion to defy the laws of nature and transform myself into a Rekonian. Ninety three,”
“But why would you do that?”
“Because being a gnat is so boring, Wilson. All I did was play with pieces of wool, catch rouses scuttling past my feet, and scare Mrs Dobson, my fat elderly scum of a neighbour, who had a really bad allergy towards us gnats. Nineteen,”
“But how do gnats learn witch-craft?” Eric chuckled.
“Oh, does it really matter?” Ron moaned, “I’M JUST A REALLY CLEVER GNAT, ALRIGHT?!”
“Ron? Are you okay?” John inquired.
“Yes, thank you,” he replied grumpily, “Why do you ask, Mrs Ninety three?”
“Why do you keep adding these random words at the end of your sentences?”
“What random words, Fif cleaner can clean?” He paused, and suddenly widened his eyes, “Oh dear, you’re right,”
“Visit a doctor or somebody,” Mike suggested, “oh wait you’re already--”
“Don’t worry about me, repus,” Ron said, “I think this is just some side effect from my reincarnation thing, which I still don’t understand how or why it came about.”
Ron turned his back and mused to himself.
“I know, maybe this was all planned,” he muttered to himself, loudly, “Yes. Someone released the demons onto the planet, someone made you gain all these magical powers, then someone then made you lose all your powers, AND SOMEONE DECIDED TO KILL ME OFF, THEN COULDN’T MAKE UP THEIR MIND SO SOMEONE ELSE DECIDED TO RESURRECT ME BACK AS A BLOODY GNAT!”
“Erm, Ron? What are you talking about?” John inquired impatiently.
“DAMN YOU WRITERS!” Ron bellowed, his feline nostrils flaring up and purple in the face, “WAIT TILL I GET MY PAWS ON YOU! I’LL SCRATCH YOUR EYES OUT YOU BUCK-TOOTHED GITS!”
“What writers!?” John continued to inquire, getting nowhere as usual.
“Huh?” (Never mind, he did get there) Ron calmed down slightly and turned back to the on looking group of six be-- sorry, humans, “Nothing!”
“Ron, what’s going on!?”
“Stop asking questions, and get into that hole,” he said, pointing to an open space behind them.
“What hole?” John said, looking round.
And with that, Ron crossed his small arms over his chest and said, “Tanka osmaka un oiyokpa ze na wapike!” really, really fast and low and behold the ground crumbled beneath the Python’s feet and each one of them plummeted down a deep abyss to their ‘doom’.
“AAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” they all screamed.
“Come back and visit anytime, part 8!” Ron shouted down the deep gap.
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!?” screamed John in reply, he and the others falling at an alarming speed down the stupid hole.
“Never mind!” Ron answered, a small grin creasing on his feline lips.
Or so you thought…
(E/N: I had also written an ending to this fanfic, but since Tanya’s is way more epic and better written, I kept hers in. What you will read next is part of my original ending.)
The Pythons all landed in a heap on the floor, this time it looked like they had entered a dimly lit room, with a small podium next to a large door and an elegant gold elephant statue by the wall… Wait, a gold elephant statue?
“Now where are we?” Eric groaned, picking himself up from the ground.
“Beats me,” added Jonesy, dusting himself off.
He and Eric helped the others lift themselves from the carpeted floor and once they did, they glanced round and saw a small man, around the same age as the Pythons, scuttle up to the podium and skim through a big brown book.
“Hallo good sirs,” the man said, in a very distorted voice, lifting his head up and addressing the gang of 6.
“Erm, hi?” came Gil’s sheepish reply.
“You tables booked, yes?”
“You booked tables, good?”
“Speak English please,” Jonesy retorted.
“Oh dear, what am I DOINGS?” cried the man, like he was at Death’s door, “MY ACCENT ISA REALLY INADEQUATE, YES?!”
Mike raised an eyebrow, “Sorry, erm, I don’t think… where are we again?”
“Sirs, you’re ata Moti Mahals, yes.”
Upon hearing this strange name, all the Pythons knew where they were in an instant. They exchanged satisfied looks, finally realizing why Ron created that gap, except for John who was still in a semi-trance from his plummet down the giant hole, and also Gil. Gray squinted his eyes to read the tag on this man’s waistcoat. It read ‘Aamir Quraishi Yes Man’ in gold letters.
“Ah, yeah, table,” Mike said, “We have booked, yes.”
“Moti what?” asked the American one, still having trouble understanding this strange man’s accent.
“Mahals, good, good,” nodded Mr Quraishi.
“Ma Hall Goo Goo,” Gil said to himself.
“NO, no you are wrong!” screamed Aamir, suddenly turning all huffy for no apparent reason, “It is ‘MAH’ ‘HAL’, YOU IDIOT AMERICAN!”
Gil’s eyes enlarged dramatically, and his eyebrows locked. Aamir suddenly gasped and his body went all tense.
“OHWOAHOAH DEAR!” he screeched, with a pitch so loud and almost as nauseating as Eric’s ‘Scream of Doom’, “I HAVE OFFENDED YOUR GRACE! I MUST BE PUNISHED!”
“No, forget it, it doesn’t matter,” Gil snapped irately.
“YES!” Aamir gasped again, “I mean, yes, yes please do sit down,”
Aamir gestured his arms for the guys to follow him to the large door. They walked about 3 steps before Aamir did a strange jumpy dance and leapt in front of them.
“But no wait, WAIT!” he panicked, then relaxed to the startled faces from the others, “First, let me takes your coat,” he said to Dr Chapman.
“What coat?” Gray said.
“Oh, I am sorry!” Aamir shouted, “I’m so stupid! You has no coats! Well, let me take something, let me take a your tie!”
“What tie?” Gray said again.
“Let me take a your shoes, so I may a lick a dem clean, yes?”
“You don’t need to take any--”
“OHWELALA!” Aamir howled with terror written all over him, “I am neglecting the others!”
The remaining Pythons gave Aamir an irritated glare.
“No, it’s fine, honest,” sighed Eric.
“Oh, okay very good, yes.”
“Look, you stupid man!” John shouted, exploding once again, “What is going on here!?”
“We have special tonight, yes?” Aamir replied with a mysterious calm, “One night only, we have 3 for 2 offers on all curries, my lords, I MEAN, good sirs, yes.”
“C-c-curry?” John spluttered.
“Are you a sittings down, yes? Oh is it takeaways?”
John ignored Aamir’s question as he quickly scampered up to him and clasp his hands around his shoulders.
“Did you say… CURRY?” John asked, excitement building in his voice.
“Yes, yes, good curries. Cool Kormas and spicy Vindaloos all to your likings, yes.”
John stepped back in shock. He was silent for maybe a couple of awkward seconds before he proceeded to blow up again, this time with joy.
John ran through the door and paraded about the restaurant in a most jolly sort of ways, with all the customers watching in amused silence, although one of them, a fat elderly lady called Mrs Dobson, began clouting John on the head with her handbag. The others looked on, embarrassed, but relieved at the fact that John can finally shut up and gorge on his long awaited curry.
Once the Pythons had seated, Aamir punished himself, turned everyone’s menus the right way round and ordered the Pythons meals. And so John devoured several hot curries, with a side order of 6 garlic and herb naan breads and 5 bowls of pilau rice, until his mouth burnt off, and everyone had a gay ol’ time at Moti Mahals…
“Ah, so this is where those bastards are hiding, is it?” hissed a voice.
“Yes, it is Kevin,” replied another, “The Pythons must come here to dine.”
“Oooh, I’m so gonna murder dem sons offa bitches,” growled another, slightly sinister voice.
“Oh Vinnie, cut it out already,” snapped the first voice, “There’s too many people here. We’ll have to get them another time.”
There came an annoyed groan.
“A’right Seb, but please make it soon…”
NO, REALLY, THAT’S IT.