Monty Python on the train.
So, I had this idea that I would like to see a Monty Python sketch performed on the subway train. For those reading this that are not from NYC, a lot of funny things happen on subway trains. It's a world all of it's own on the train. This was going to be a kind of performance art/experiment. The experiment is to see if we can make someone laugh; kind of brighten their day. And this would happen by just starting the sketch, without telling anyone. This idea then led me to thinking about another sketch that could be performed on the train; then I thought about yet another sketch that could also be performed on the train. So then, I thought I'd connect the three I had in mind. This is who I would need for the sketch and how I would see it performed. I don't need to tell you guys that this material was written by the Pythons, but It has been edited by me in order to fit the three together.
Minister of Silly Walks: Male or female (because this is the 21st century) age 30-40. Business attire
Applicant: Male or female, aged 20-30. Business attire
Man: Male, aged 30-40. Business attire and reads a newspaper throughout most of the sketch.
Nudge Man: Male, late teens-early 20s, dressed casually.
Pepperpot#1: Female, aged 50-60, wearing a dress and curlers.
Pepperpot#2: Female, aged 50-60, wearing a dress.
Colonel: Male, aged 40ish, dressed in military uniform.
Opening Scene: The scene opens on the train. Applicant, Man, Nudge Man, and Pepperpot #1 are all sitting in various parts of the train, not acknowledging each other. Suddenly, the Minister of Silly Walks enters the train as if coming from another train car in a silly way.
Minister of Silly Walks: I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but I'm afraid my walk has become rather silly over the last three months, so it does take me rather longer to get to the office. (Walks over silly like and either sits or stands in front of Applicant.) Now, what was it again?
Applicant Well, I have got a silly walk and I'd like to obtain government backing to help me develop it.
Minister: I see. May I see this silly walk of yours?
Applicant: Oh, yes. Certainly. (Gets up from his seat and walks slowly in a circle, picking up his right leg in every alternative step. Returns to his seat, if he's still got it at this point.)
Minister: Yes, I see, that's it, is it?
Applicant: Ah, well, yes, that's it.
Minister: Yes, yes, yes. It's not particularly silly, is it?
Applicant: Well, er. . .
Minister: I mean, the left leg isn't silly at all and the right leg merely does a double O'Brien half turn every alternate step.
Applicant: Yes, but I feel with a government grant I could make it a lot more silly.
Minister Well, the very real problem is public expenditure. . . (The Minister walks around the train in a very silly fashion) You see, the Ministry of Silly Walks is no longer getting the kind of support it needs. There's Defense, National Health, Housing, Education, Social Security, Silly Walks. They're all supposed to get the same. But last year, the government spent less on Silly Walks than they did on Industrial Reorganization. We're supposed to get 348 million dollars a year to cover our entire Silly Walks Program. (Stops in front of Applicant again) You're interested in Silly Walks, aren't you?
Minister: Right, well, take a look at this, then! The Minister, Pepperpot #1, Man, and Nudge Man all get up and start walking around the train in a silly fashion. Pepperpot #2 walks onto the train in a silly way and up to Pepperpot #1.
Pepperpot #2: 'Allo Mrs. Premise
Pepperpot #1: (turns to face Pepperpot #2) 'Allo Mrs. Conclusion.
Pepperpot #2: Busy day?
Pepperpot #1: Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat.
Pepperpot #2: Four hours to bury a cat?
Pepperpot #1: Yes, it wouldn't keep still.
Pepperpot #2: Oh, so it wasn't dead, then?
Pepperpot #1: No, but it's not at all well.
Pepperpot #2: Oh.
Pepperpot #1: We're going away for a weekend, and we thought we might as well bury it now, just to be on the safe side.
Pepperpot #2: Quite right. You don't want to come home to a dead cat. It would be so anti-climactic. Yes, kill it now, that's what I say.
Pepperpot #1: Yes.
Pepperpot #2: We're going to have our budgie put down.
Pepperpot #1: Oh? Is it very old?
Pepperpot #2: No, we just don't like it.
Pepperpot #1: Ah. Tell me, how do they put budgies down, then?
Pepperpot #2: Well, funny you should ask, but I've just been reading a great big book on how to put your budgie down. And apparently, you can either hit them with the book, or you can shoot them just there (points to her forehead)just above the beak.
Pepperpot #1: Well, well, well. 'Course Mrs. Essence flushed hers down the toilet.
Pepperpot #2: Oh, no, no. You mustn't do that, that's dangerous. They breed in the sewers. Yes, eventually you get evil smelling flocks of huge smelly budgies flying out of people's toilets. Infringing on people's freedom.
Pepperpot #1: Ah, you don't want that.
There is a pause before Nudge Man looks at Man and lowers his newspaper.
Nudge Man: Evening, Squire!
Man: (puts down his newspaper) Good evening.
Nudge Man: Are you a married man?
Man: Why, yes.
Nudge Man: I'm a bachelor, myself. (Pause) Is your wife a goer? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge! Know what I mean? Say no more!
Man: I beg your pardon?
Nudge Man: Your wife. . . Does she "go" eh? Know what I mean? Does she "go" eh?
Man: (furrows his eyebrows) She sometimes has to go.
Nudge Man: I bet she does! I bet she does! Say no more! Say no more! Know what I mean? Nudge, Nudge!
Man: I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.
Nudge Man: Oh, "follow me, follow me". Very good, that's very good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat! ( nudges him with his elbow)
Man: Are you selling something?
Nudge Man: "Selling, selling". . . very good indeed! You're wicked, you are, eh? Wicked, eh? Whoa! Wicked! Say no more!
Nudge Man: Is your wife a "sport"? Eh?
Man: She likes sports, yes.
Nudge Man: I bet she does, I bet she does!
Man: In fact, she's very fond of baseball.
Nudge Man: She likes "games," eh? Likes "games"? Knew she would, she's been around a bit, eh? She's been around?
Man: Well, she has traveled, yes. She's from Scarsdale.
Nudge Man: Oh say no more! Scarsdale, squire? Say no more! Say no more! Say no more! Say no more!
Man: Well. . .
Nudge Man: And is your wife interested in. . . (mimes taking a picture with his hands)photography? Eh? Eh? Eh?
Nudge Man: Photographs, eh? He asked him knowingly!
Nudge Man: Snap, snap, grin, grin, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more!
Man: Vacation pictures?
Nudge Man: They could be, they could be taken on vacation. Swimming costumes, you know, candid, "candid" photography?
Man: (shakes head fervently) No, we don't have a camera.
Nudge Man: Oh. Still, whoahahaaah! (Rude hand gesture) Whoahahaaah! (repeats rude hand gesture) Eh? Whoahahaaah! (repeats rude hand gesture again) Eh?
Man: (grabs Nudge Man's collar) Look, are you insinuating something?
Nudge Man: Oh, no, no, no. . . Yes!
Nudge Man: Well, you're a man of the world, squire, you know. . . you've been around, you know, you've been around a bit?
Man: What do you mean?
Nudge Man: Well, I mean, like, you know you've . . .done it, you've slept. . . with a lady?
Nudge Man: What's it like?
Man: (lets go of Nudge Man's collar) You're a very silly man, and I don't want to talk to you anymore. (picks up his newspaper and reads again)
Pepperpot #1: No, no. Don't like it. I don't like that at all.
Pepperpot #2: That nice Mr. Heath would never allow it.
Pepperpot #1: Funny he never married.
Pepperpot #2: He's a bachelor.
Pepperpot #1: Ooh! That would explain it. Oh dear me this chatting away wears me out.
(Colonel walks in from another train car)
Colonel: Right stop that! Stop that! Now no one enjoys a good laugh more than I do. Except perhaps for my wife and some of her friends. Oh, yes, and Captain Johnson. Come to think of it, most people enjoy a good laugh more than I do, but that's beside the point. Now, all you silly people, off the train at the next stop!
Pepperpot # 1 & 2: Oh, why I never!
At the next stop, all the characters leave the train.