Silliness: Python Scrapheap Challenge (Now Complete!)
Here are Parts 7 and 8 - I thought I might as well post them together. The other parts are down below as comments, mostly in reverse order, except Part 1 (which starts with 'Introduction' is between Part 6 and Part 5. Sorry for any confusion, but I decided quite a long way in to put the latest part in the main body post.
Enjoy - and let me know what you think!
BOB: Well, we're in the final hour, and I'm over in the Pythons' camp, with vice-captain Anne Elk (Miss).
ANNE: That's right, Bob!
BOB: So Anne, why don't you tell me about your airship?
ANNE: There is no reason at all, Bob, that is, there would be no cause for me, Anne Elk, brackets Miss brackets, no reason at all, for me not to tell you about my airship. That is mine. That is, my airship.
BOB: So ... tell me.
ANNE: That's right, Bob. The next thing you're going to hear is me telling you about my airship. AHEMHEMHEM! Right. Thank you, Bob. Now I'm going to tell you about my airship. My airship is very thin at one end, much larger in the middle, and very thin at the other end.
BOB: Because your airship is, in fact, shaped like a brontosaurus?
ANNE: It is in homage to my theory. That is, my theory, that is mine, I, Anne Elk, brackets Miss brackets. My theory. Ahem. My theory about brontosauruses.
BOB: And will it fly?
ANNE: That's spot on, Bob!
BOB: And have you and your team completely finished?
ANNE: Thank you, Bob! I have another theory ...
BOB: Anne Elk, thank you very much. Now I think I ...
BOB (walking away): I'm going to talk to Mr Neutron now. Mr Neutron, sir!
NEUTRON: Ah. Hello, Bob. It is very nice to see you again.
BOB: Mr Neutron, where are the rest of your team?
NEUTRON: Ken Clean-Air-System went for a run some time ago, Bob. The last we heard, he was in Kuwait.
BOB: Kuwait? But surely...?
NEUTRON: Oh. Sorry, I meant Kent.
BOB: I see. And Patsy?
NEUTRON: Unfortunately he prodded our electric wheelbarrow ...
NOT-AT-ALL-RANDOM CROWD: Electric wheelbarrow?
BOB: Shut up! Do go on, Mr Neutron.
NEUTRON: Thank you, Bob. He prodded the - machine - and unfortunately it ate him.
BOB: Ate him? You're joking!
NEUTRON: Why yes, Bob, as a matter of fact I am. He has gone to the lavatory. He was in a lavatorial humour. Ha ha ha.
BOB: Uh - yes. Hilarious. Now, I understand your airship is complete?
NEUTRON: That's right, Bob. Though whether or not it will fly remains to be seen.
BOB: As a matter of fact, I've come to deliver a tank of fuel for you to test your device. Is your airship secured to the ground?
NEUTRON: That is correct. But it is currently in the shed, and it must be wheeled out and re-secured.
BOB: Excellent. I'll leave you to it then, our cameras will be standing by to capture your first attempt. I'd better get over to the Montys and deliver their tank!
Bob jogs over to the Montys' area of the scrapyard.
BOB: Montys, how's your last hour going?
ERIC (sulkily): Don't ask me, you loutish parody of a man! If you want me, I'll be ... elsewhere.
Eric flings down the oily rag he's been holding, and flounces out of the shed.
BOB (taken aback): Oh dear, Colonel, what's the matter with Renaissance Man?
COLONEL: I'm afraid he had a run-in with Jenkinson. They were working very hard, but I'm afraid it's just got silly. Jenkinson's bored, Phillips is too busy tinkering to keep an eye on him, and Eric kept fussing around, making, shall we say, less than constructive criticisms about what the engineers were doing. Finally Jenkinson couldn't take it any more, and he pinched Eric on the arm. Eric flicked Jenkinson with the oily rag and walked off. Apparently it's all very serious, but it just seems silly to me. JENKINSON! Stop that! It's silly!
Bob looks over to see Jenkinson running around pretending to be an aeroplane again. Phillips is steadfastly ignoring him.
JENKINSON (stopping): Sor-ry!
Cut to Bob and Vera sitting on their platform thing near the gong.
VERA: Well, Bob, there's about a minute to go - why don't you tell us how the last hour's gone?
BOB: Vera, it's been all systems go for our cheeky challengers. They've both finished on time, and they've both had successful test flights. It's now just tinkering until the challenge tomorrow morning. And the time's up! Vera, will you do the honours?
VERA: Gladly, Bob!
Vera sets off the gong, and Bob picks up his megaphone.
BOB: Teams, your time is UP! Stop working now - you'll have twenty minutes' final tinkering time before the challenge tomorrow. Congratulations on great builds. We'll see you tomorrow!
END OF PART SEVEN
BOB: Welcome back to Scrapheap Challenge! I'm here with both teams and we're about to start the challenge! Tell us about it, Vera!
VERA: Thanks Bob, well, I'm standing in front of the course here. You can see the clearly marked targets. We'll be testing the airships for speed and accuracy - first of all a timed lap of the course, then it will be up to teams to steer their airship over the course, and water bomb the targets! Then comes the third and final challenge, when teams will be tested on the time they take to hit every single target on the course. In the end it's quite simple, Bob - the team that hits the most targets in the least amount of time will be the winner!
BOB: EXCELLENT! Teams, are you READY?
BOB: Then off you go!
Bob runs over to where the Pythons are getting ready to start.
BOB: Mr Neutron, is your team feeling confident?
MR NEUTRON: Yes, Bob, we certainly are feeling confident.
BOB: Excellent! I see Captain Ken still hasn't turned up, however ...
MR NEUTRON: I'm afraid not.
BOB: Well, I'm sure you'll do great as you are. Best of luck!
ALL PYTHONS: Thanks!
Cut to Vera, who's approaching the Montys, who seem to be missing the Colonel.
VERA: Captain Renaissance Man, I'm glad to see you back!
ERIC: Thanks Vera, I'm feeling better now I've had a little rest.
VERA: But where's the Colonel?
ERIC: I'm afraid he's not feeling very well. He said he wasn't all there this morning. So we left him at the hotel. Don't worry though, I've got things under control.
VERA: I'm glad to hear it. How are Phillips and Jenkinson?
ERIC: Phillips is as steadfast as ever - Jenkinson's mood has improved.
VERA: Excellent. Well, the very best of ...
She trails off at the sight of Jenkinson clubbing Phillips over the head with a wooden mallet.
ERIC: Oh, Jenkinson, leave that mallet alone!
JENKINSON: Oh dear - are you all right, sir? I don't know my own strength!
Phillips looks stunned for a moment, then shakes his head, and ...
PHILLIPS: RIGHT! 'ALLO 'ALLO 'ALLO! WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN?
ERIC: Oh no, not again. Excuse me! Who are you?
PHILLIPS: Police Constable Pan Am, at your service sir! RIGHT! COME BACK 'ERE, YOU LAYABOUT!
Police Constable Pan Am chases Jenkinson round and round the airship, brandishing the wooden mallet. He finally catches him and knocks him out. He then knocks out Eric, and as Vera and the cameramen chase after him, he runs over to the Pythons' airship and hits all of them over the head as well. They all lie on the ground, unconscious. Pan Am then makes a run towards Vera, but before he can get to her, Bob hits him over the head with his megaphone, and he falls to the ground.
BOB: Well, Vera, that's quite a turn-up! The first ever Scrapheap Challenge when every team member has been unfit for duty! What are we going to do?
VERA: But wait, Bob! I think they're coming round!
Sure enough, the Montys and the Pythons are all waking up. They look around, confused, then look at each other. Anne Elk is the first to stand up.
ANNE ELK (in a man's voice): All right. What's going on? What am I doing back in this getup?
He looks over at Mr Neutron.
ANNE ELK: Oh God, Graham, this is your doing, isn't it?
GRAHAM (sits up, groaning): Oh my God, what was I drinking last night?
PATSY: Everything, as usual, Graham, this is you we're talking about.
GRAHAM: Oh, shut up Gilliam, I've got a headache.
Terry G looks over at Pan Am, who's still lying dazed on the ground.
TERRY G: Mike! You awake?
Eric hauls Jenkinson (aka Terry J) to his feet, and they both run over to Pan Am.
TERRY J: Mike, you OK?
MICHAEL (groggily): Oh, it's you two - oh, we're all here! Why? We didn't have a meeting scheduled did we? Where are we?
TERRY G: Looks like a scrapheap.
TERRY J: Looks like some sort of television show.
BOB (tentatively): It is. It's a game show. It's Scrapheap Challenge. Some of your characters agreed to be on it. But now they've turned into you because you all got hit on the head.
MICHAEL: What a stupid concept!
TERRY J (to cameraman): What are you filming from that angle for? You'll never get both the airships in if you do it like that.
TERRY G: I know, I was thinking the same thing actually. If you move about fifteen yards back you'll be able to get both the airships in and that bunch of targets behind.
TERRY J: Yeah, and if you added some smoke ...
ANNE ELK (aka JOHN, of course ...): Right, that's it. I'm not standing for any more of this. It's all been very nice I'm sure, but I'm going home.
GRAHAM: Me too.
ERIC: Hang on, I'll give you a lift.
They walk off, leaving Michael and the two Terrys standing in the middle of the scrapyard, with Bob and Vera watching them nervously.
BOB: Oh. Um ... well, I guess I could join one of you, and we could do the challenge in twos?
TERRY J: Uh, no. Sorry. I'm going home. Are you two coming?
TERRY G: Yep.
MICHAEL (to Bob and Vera): Sorry.
They walk off into the distance, and out of sight.
BOB: Yes, er ... well ... now what do we do?
STRANGER'S VOICE BEHIND BOB: Well, there are a number of endings you could choose ... the chase, of course ... or the romantic ending ... or of course there's ...