A Weak Stab at Japery

Here's the promised bit. This is really my annoyance at "The" Smiley Face, i.e., "Have a Nice Day," or the (former?) emblem of a certain wicked multinational corporation. But it naturally evolved into the government oppression of the masses. ;)

It's unfinished right now because I decided it was too depressing and needed some major reworking to be as funny as I intend. Still, a promise is a promise, and I told you I would post a little piece.

A Polemic against the Smiley Face
by Romanes eunt domus

VOICEOVER: Now a message about smiley faces by Arthur Ludd.

LUDD: Hello. I wish to discuss the alarming proliferation of the smiley face.

He draws a smiley face on the blackboard with an unbroken piece of chalk, thus causing an ear-splitting screech. So he breaks the chalk on the ledge with such force that pieces go flying everywhere, and he's left with only a short fragment. He finishes the face with some difficulty.

LUDD: Now I'm not against the expression of emotion per se: I'm always up for a little smirk [smirks artificially]. But look at this thing. [vehemently points to the board]. Look at the vacuous eyes, the vacant smile. This is the face of stupidity itself, the fool's insignia, the ignorant bliss of mass idiocy!

The government is therefore beginning a campaign to eliminate the smiley face. The phasing out of the “Grinning Menace” will begin with the Internet; the National Security Agency has already developed the necessary programming for the job. Any smiley found will be deleted, and any computer found proliferating this seditious smirk will immediately explode. We have already done testing in Iowa under a vague law against indecency, and it has proven quite effective.

Cut to a young woman, ERIN, with multiple message programs and browsers open at once on a laptop. She is watching the program on TV.

ERIN: That's what they think.

A close-up shows that all of them have “omg ThAt's sooo kEwL!!!1 :))) ;) :D” in text boxes. In a flash, she clicks 'send' and 'post' on each. The chimes sound and “Your message has been posted.” appears in the browser windows. The mouse pointer morphs into an hourglass, the browser is struck by a seizure of pop-up windows. The top window reads, “You are guilty of smiley distribution!” Below the message is a video box, in which there appears a man in a suit.

FBI MAN: Erin, you might want to step back a few feet. [pause] Quickly!

Erin gets up and moves several feet away from the computer.

FBI MAN: Thank you. Secret policemen will be in your room shortly to take you to the nearest internment and reeducation camp. And now, Boom.

The monitor and computer explode.

ERIN: How did he know that would happen?

The door bursts off its hinges. Enter half a dozen secret police armed to the teeth. One SECRET POLICEMAN puts a gloved hand over her mouth. The rest grab her by her limbs.

SECRET POLICEMAN: It was an inspired guess.

The policemen carry her off.

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