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Bengal Tiger Surprise

Description

A tasty dish ideal with mashed potato. Not to be eaten before driving a Volkswagen through Manchester.

Ingredients

1x can of Gottlieb's Instant Bengal Tiger

2x red onions (chopped)

5x stalks of celery (sliced and ignored)

1x bottle of Snitterton Gin

12x snow peas

6x those funny little orange things that I guess belong to the squash family and are really rather tasteless but they do look vaguely intriguing.

1x dragon fruit (I didn't make that up ... go on, Google it if you don't believe me!)

1x small child who can be coaxed into popping over to the shop for the bunch of parsely that you forgot to add to the ingredients list.

Directions

1. Place the instant Bengal Tiger in a large casserole dish and arrange slices of red onion on top.

2. Sorry. I should have told you to slice the onions before ... not chop them. If you've already chopped the onions you're likely to bugger up the entire dish so you might have to get that child to pop over to the shops for another couple of onions - and for God's sake slice them this time, you prat.

3. Add enough gin to just cover the layer of onions.

4. Cover the casserole and bake at 375F for ooooh, let's say 40 minutes.

5. Place the snowpeas and the orange things on a shelf in the refrigerator and forget about them. Discover them 6 months later and try to remember why the hell you bought them in the first place before chucking them out.

6. Eat the dragon fruit and be quite disappointed by its lack of taste.

7. Serve the casseroled Bengal Tiger with parsley.

8. Be surprised.

18 comments
Edna's Goldstone Goulash

Description

Here’s a lovely foreign dish that sticks to the intestines and warms one all over on cold winter’s days. Originally from Hungary and the Hungarian “Gully ass” which I think means something like Liverpool Tart which tend to cling to Johns on cold days. Hence the name of the dish.

Ingredients

2 lb. beef chuck
1 tsp. salt
2 onions, white or yellow. or both
2 Tbsp. lard or shortening
2 Tbsp. imported sweet paprika (most important to use real hungarian paprika for ultimate flavor)
2 bay leaves
1 Qt. water
4 peeled and diced potatoes
1/4 tsp. black pepper

For Dumplings
1 egg
6 Tbsp. flour
1/8 tsp. salt

Directions

Cut beef into 1 inch squares, add 1/2 tsp. salt.
Chop onions and brown in shortening, add beef and paprika.
Let beef simmer in its own juice along with salt and paprika for 1 hr. on low heat.
Add water, diced potatoes and remaining salt.
Cover and simmer until potatoes are done and meat is tender. Prepare egg dumpling batter:

Add flour to unbeaten egg and salt. Mix well. Let stand for 1/2 hour for flour to mellow. Drop by teaspoonful into Goulash. Cover and simmer 5 minutes after dumplings rise to surface.

Serve hot with dollops of sour cream.

Serves 6.

2 comments
Edna's Jugged Hare (aka Creosotes Creamed Killer Rabbit)

Description

Heres a more continental fare from one of my favourite restraunts “Le Grande Eternuer”, this recipe comes highly recomended by the late food critic and professional geranium tamer, Arthur Creosote.

Ingredients

1 Hare or Large Killer Rabbit ( beware those fangs are sharp) Blood from the Hare or Killer Rabbit ( possibly the same one) 4 rashers Bacon 2 Onions 1 Lemon 15g (1⁄2 oz) Butter 1 tbsp Plain Flour 1 Bouquet Garni ( Garnish bouquet..look it up...I have to assume you know Something about cooking , I mean I cant tell you everything step by step and hold your hands with each stir of the spoon...you are all big and grown up nicely now and don't need auntie Edna to wipe your bums anymore) 6 Cloves 1 tsp Ground Allspice Seasoned Flour Bottle of Grand Marnier Salt and Black Pepper Cream Truffle Sauce 2 tb Butter Sauce from Jugged Hare above 2 tb Mushrooms, button, chopped 1 c Cream, heavy 2 tb Puree, shallot ** 1/2 c Grand Marnier 1 ts Peppercorns, crushed 4 tb Truffles, finely chopped 2 ea Bay leaves Salt (to taste) 1 bottle Wine, white Pepper (to taste) 1 tbs anchovy paste

Directions

Preheat the oven to 325°F
Chop the bacon and onion, zest the lemon.
Lightly coat the joints of the hare with flour and place in a flame-proof casserole dish.
Add the herbs, bacon, onion, spices, lemon zest and seasoning bouguet.
Cover with water, bring slowly to the boil.
Cover and transfer to the oven for 2 - 21⁄2 hours or until the hare is tender ( about the consistency of the flab under your bicepts).
Remove the hare, onions and bacon with a slotted spoon and keep warm.
Discard the bouquet garni and the cloves.
In a small saucepan, melt the butter and stir in the flour.
Gradually add the cooking liquid and stirring continuously until thickened.
Stir in the blood and add Grand Marnier to taste, mix well and adjust the seasoning if necessary.

Pour the sauce over the hare and serve with currant jelly or create the following treat with the sauce for that true high end, cant afford it Maitre D ignoring you. fancy French brasierre style that is sure to send your friends off in fits of jealous rage at the nerve of you attempting to pull off such Cordon Blue affair...You of ALL people....always having to out do everyone, Oh yes We know how you are. cant leave well enough alone.

Cream Truffle Sauce
Melt the butter in a saute pan. Add the mushrooms, shallots, anchovy , peppercorns, and bay leaves. Reduce the mixture over high heat for about 2 minutes. Drink the white wine whilst cooking
Add Hare Sauce and continue cooking over medium heat for 2 to
3 minutes.
Add cream, bring the mixture to a boil, then reduce by one-third
and make it a smooth consistency. Adjust the seasoning.
In another saute pan, add Grand Marnier to 3 tablespoons of
truffles. Reduce over high heat for 2 to 3 minutes.
Strain the cream sauce into the truffles and Grand Marnier, then reduce it to a smooth consistency.

Pour over Hare and serve. Mind you not the hair on your head but the previously prepared killer rabbit/hare , you’d be surprised the letters I have gotten from people following previous printings of this recipe, folks just want to pour scalding hot sauces over different parts of their bodies, its like they do not think things through at all, mindlessly following whatever is in print step by step not realizing they could be Send me money unwittingly being forced to do things by publishers at will that way.

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Edna's Spotted Dick

Description

Not something to see the clinic about, but something wonderful to eat. This traditional dish’s name makes me remember fondly the game me and Mrs Pakenham-Walsh used to play as schoolgirls whenever we went to Mediteranean..”ooh There ‘s one!!” we would shout gleefully and scamper. One year she spotted 40.

Ingredients

4oz Self Rising Flour A pinch of Salt 3oz Shredded Suet (raw beef or mutton fat, especially the hard fat found around the loins and kidneys) 3oz Fresh Breadcrumbs 2oz Super fine Sugar 6oz raisins or cranberries or currants Grated rind of 1 Lemon Approx. 5 tbsp Milk

Directions

Place all the dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl and mix thoroughly. Make a well in the centre of the mixture then gradually add the milk to form a soft dough.
Knead lightly until smooth.
Turn onto a floured surface and roll out to an oblong shape about 9 x 11 in diameter
Bring a large pan of water to boil.
Make a pleat in a large sheet of greaseproof paper or a clean tea towel, to allow for expansion, wrap the pudding loosely, tying each end with string (like an Xmas cracker).
Steam or boil for 2 hours.

Serve your Spotted Dick hot with custard

Serves 4

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Palin Meatloaf Pastry

Description

This is a delicious meatloaf recipe that is in the shape of Michael Palin's Head.

Ingredients

* 2 pounds ground chuck
* Pinch salt
* 1 tbsp fresh ground pepper
* 1 tsp thyme
* 2 cans spam

Directions

first you do the da da yata yata yata
then you yata yata yata
mix in bowl
into oven for 50 min at 375 degrees faraheit

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