New Security Measures: Another Feeble Attempt at Comedy
Once again, I present you with a sketch. This began as a bunch of naked people walking around an airport, but surprisingly, this wasn't interesting enough. So I chopped out half of it and gave it an amusing news crawl. The cellist began as the Naked Cowboy of Times Square, but since his not-so-naked ass is trademarked, I changed the character to a nude musician with another instrument that'd cover his bits. And there's even a bit of Douglas Adams. And also parts inspired by Palin's flasher and-
Get on with it!!!
Right! Cue the dramatic news music!
NEW SECURITY MEASURES (WEASEL NEWS)
by Romanes eunt domus
We are viewing a 24-hour American news channel. A NEWS CRAWL rolls silently across the bottom of the screen continuously throughout the sketch. This is the majority of it; the last part is approximately where it should appear in the sketch.
NEWS CRAWL: SHEEP HAVE REVOLTED IN NEW ZEALAND, TAKE WELLINGTON IN A MATTER OF HOURS...LEADER, HAROLD “THE CLEVER,” PROCLAIMS SHEEP'S REPUBLIC OF OVINESIA...UNITED SHEEP STATIONS OF AUSTRALIA ARE 1ST TO RECOGNIZE OVINESIA...WASHINGTON HAS YET TO COMMENT...THE INTERNATIONAL GOATALIST ORGANIZATION, LONGTIME RIVALS OF SHEEP NATIONS, CALLS REVOLT AN OUTRAGE AND VOWED THIS AM TO OVERTHROW WHAT IT CALLS “THE BAAGEOISIE OPPRESSORS.”...WOLVES DECLARE WAR ON PALIN...NO, THE OTHER ONE...PACKS OF WOLVES HAVE BEEN SPOTTED IN AREA WHERE FORMER AK GOV SARAH PALIN IS SUSPECTED TO BE IN HIDING...TODAY, A SPOKESWOLF SAID “WE WILL NO LONGER ENDURE THE TERRORIST PALIN'S SLAUGHTER AND GRUESOME DISPLAY OF OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS.”...BOUNTY ON PALIN IS SET AT A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF CARIBOU MEAT FOR ENTIRE FAMILY OF THE WOLF WHOSE INFO LEADS TO HER DEATH OR CAPTURE...TIRED OF COFFEE INTERFERING IN YOUR LIFE? JOIN THE TEA PARTY(DRINKERS)! GO TO www.weforgiveyouboston.com TO LEARN MORE!...SHOT? LOSING BLOOD FAST? HAVE NO HEALTH INSURANCE?... EMIGRATE TO CANADA IN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES, YOU LAZY BASTARD BLEEDING SOCIALIST SPONGERS!...
Setting: A news studio. A STUDIO REPORTER sits at a shiny desk, all the latest in technology sits behind him, from big screen HDTVs and flat screen monitors. In the background, nameless news lackeys are doing something outrageous, e.g., they're dressed in Pilgrim garb playing strip poker.
STUDIO REPORTER: And now, for a Weasel News Exclusive, Missouri J. School reports on the New Security Measures instituted by the FAA.
Stock footage of airplanes taking off and landing, taxiing to gates, etc.
TITLE: WEASEL NEWS EXCLUSIVE: NEW SECURITY MEASURES
SCHOOL [voiceover]: With recent concerns about airport security, new regulations have now required that people be unclothed while inside terminals. That's right: nude, stark, in the buff, with nothing but their birthday suits.
People are walking in an airport terminal completely nude.
SCHOOL [voiceover]: Many have protested the measures, saying, “Oh really, that's just too much!” or, “God's told me he's very, very angry.” We spoke with an important man from the Department of Homeland Security and asked him to respond to the criticism.
Cut to a blond-haired, blue-eyed OFFICIAL. SUBTITLE: TERRY S. M. SELLERS captioned with AN IMPORTANT MAN FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY.
SELLERS: Although it may be difficult for some to accept, we have no other options left to prevent terrorists attacking the Fatherland--Homeland! [composes himself] We understand that there are still taboos in the outside world, and to accommodate these, we have set up privacy booths.
Cut to a terminal entrance. People are walking up to a terminal entrance, where numerous booths are set up. Above them is a sign saying “PRIVACY BOOTHS.” Numbers of travelers, variously dressed from casual to business, walk in and come out nude, carrying their suitcases strategically.
SCHOOL [voiceover]: Sources say that major cities around the country may follow suit with similar measures. New York City is among the first to consider relaxing public indecency laws in high risk areas.
Setting: Central Park. The NUDE CELLIST is sitting in a folding chair holding a cello, and is completely nude except for underwear and a bright, multicolored flat cap that barely controls his wild, bushy, black hair. We see the Missouri J. School for the first time.
Caption: THE NUDE CELLIST OF CENTRAL PARK
SCHOOL: What do you think of the clothing ban near New York's potential terrorist targets?
NUDE CELLIST: It'd be like a dream come true! I always wanted to ditch the underwear...
Cut to sidewalk. A dirty man with a dirty mac.
FLASHER AARON [lecherously]: I never bothered with underwear.
Cut to another sidewalk, near Central Park. Here's another man in a dirty mac, but his bearing and manner is more like that of a businessman.
FLASHER BILL: It would kill business if everybody's junk is hanging out. What would be the point? I'd have to find something else...like structural engineering...
In the background, people are approaching from a street crossing. Bill takes notice.
BILL [glancing back at School]: Sorry, back to work.
Off Bill goes to ply his trade. The first victim, a middle-aged woman, jumps and averts her eyes, scandalized. But the SECOND VICTIM, a woman similarly aged, stops and takes a good look down. Bemused, Bill stays in the “coat open” position.
SECOND VICTIM: Hmm...you should get that looked at.
BILL is stunned, and lowers his coat.
SECOND VICTIM: It'll only get worse.
The news crawl is still rolling steadily:
NEWS CRAWL: THIS IS WEASEL NEWS...JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T SEE THE LOGO HERE.....[flashing arrow points to logo in the lower right corner] OR THE BANNER HERE. [A flashing arrow points to prominent “WEASEL NEWS EXCLUSIVE” banner on the bottom of the screen]
The second victim walks off, leaving Bill at a loss in her wake.
NEWS CRAWL: [flashing, color scheme reversed]HEY YOU!!![/flashing]... YOU'RE NOT REALLY READING, ARE YOU?...WELL YOU SHOULD...I AM ALL POWERFUL...I'LL PROVE IT...ALIENS WILL LAND IN...
Lights flash, winds blow, and the camera whips around to a flying saucer even cooler than the ones in Close Encounters of the Third Kind landing in Central Park. Out comes the ramp, down comes an alien, who walks up to BILL.
ALIEN [thick accent]: Is this the home of...ehh...Stifin Hawkeng?
BILL: Stephen Hawking? No.
ALIEN: Is this not Earth?
BILL: Yeah. Oh! You want Cambridge...uh...England. Over the ocean [points east], southern part of the large squiggly island right next to the northern continent. Ask there.
ALIEN: Thank you viry much. [stiffly raises hand and waves] Go Mits!
The alien returns to the ship, which ascends and fly eastward, quickly disappearing from sight. The camera, having followed their flight path, returns to the journalist.
SCHOOL: And so, the most extraordinary event in the history of the world is over in a moment. But I suspect that Dr. Hawking, the former Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University and pioneer in cosmology, will be getting quite a surprise very soon.
NEWS CRAWL: YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS COINCIDENCE, DON'T YOU? THEN BEHOLD,...A FLOCK OF PINK DODOS!
At the sound of magical chimes, a flock of pink dodos appears before the camera.
SCHOOL [looks down toward news crawl]: Stop it! This is my story!
NEWS CRAWL [now speaking the words with an authoritative voice]: TEMPT ME NOT!
More chimes sound and the journalist becomes a dog in a tiara and pink tutu. Instead of a microphone, he holds a fairy wand topped by a star in his mouth.
NEWS CRAWL [still speaking]: NOW BACK TO THE PITIFUL CREATURES IN THE STUDIO.
(c)Romanes eunt domus (alias and aliena) Enforceable by Spiny Norman, but ask and you may receive...