New Security Measures: Another Feeble Attempt at Comedy

Once again, I present you with a sketch. This began as a bunch of naked people walking around an airport, but surprisingly, this wasn't interesting enough. So I chopped out half of it and gave it an amusing news crawl. The cellist began as the Naked Cowboy of Times Square, but since his not-so-naked ass is trademarked, I changed the character to a nude musician with another instrument that'd cover his bits. And there's even a bit of Douglas Adams. And also parts inspired by Palin's flasher and-

Get on with it!!!

Right! Cue the dramatic news music!

NEW SECURITY MEASURES (WEASEL NEWS)
by Romanes eunt domus

We are viewing a 24-hour American news channel. A NEWS CRAWL rolls silently across the bottom of the screen continuously throughout the sketch. This is the majority of it; the last part is approximately where it should appear in the sketch.

NEWS CRAWL: SHEEP HAVE REVOLTED IN NEW ZEALAND, TAKE WELLINGTON IN A MATTER OF HOURS...LEADER, HAROLD “THE CLEVER,” PROCLAIMS SHEEP'S REPUBLIC OF OVINESIA...UNITED SHEEP STATIONS OF AUSTRALIA ARE 1ST TO RECOGNIZE OVINESIA...WASHINGTON HAS YET TO COMMENT...THE INTERNATIONAL GOATALIST ORGANIZATION, LONGTIME RIVALS OF SHEEP NATIONS, CALLS REVOLT AN OUTRAGE AND VOWED THIS AM TO OVERTHROW WHAT IT CALLS “THE BAAGEOISIE OPPRESSORS.”...WOLVES DECLARE WAR ON PALIN...NO, THE OTHER ONE...PACKS OF WOLVES HAVE BEEN SPOTTED IN AREA WHERE FORMER AK GOV SARAH PALIN IS SUSPECTED TO BE IN HIDING...TODAY, A SPOKESWOLF SAID “WE WILL NO LONGER ENDURE THE TERRORIST PALIN'S SLAUGHTER AND GRUESOME DISPLAY OF OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS.”...BOUNTY ON PALIN IS SET AT A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF CARIBOU MEAT FOR ENTIRE FAMILY OF THE WOLF WHOSE INFO LEADS TO HER DEATH OR CAPTURE...TIRED OF COFFEE INTERFERING IN YOUR LIFE? JOIN THE TEA PARTY(DRINKERS)! GO TO www.weforgiveyouboston.com TO LEARN MORE!...SHOT? LOSING BLOOD FAST? HAVE NO HEALTH INSURANCE?... EMIGRATE TO CANADA IN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES, YOU LAZY BASTARD BLEEDING SOCIALIST SPONGERS!...

Setting: A news studio. A STUDIO REPORTER sits at a shiny desk, all the latest in technology sits behind him, from big screen HDTVs and flat screen monitors. In the background, nameless news lackeys are doing something outrageous, e.g., they're dressed in Pilgrim garb playing strip poker.

STUDIO REPORTER: And now, for a Weasel News Exclusive, Missouri J. School reports on the New Security Measures instituted by the FAA.

Stock footage of airplanes taking off and landing, taxiing to gates, etc.

TITLE: WEASEL NEWS EXCLUSIVE: NEW SECURITY MEASURES

SCHOOL [voiceover]: With recent concerns about airport security, new regulations have now required that people be unclothed while inside terminals. That's right: nude, stark, in the buff, with nothing but their birthday suits.

People are walking in an airport terminal completely nude.

SCHOOL [voiceover]: Many have protested the measures, saying, “Oh really, that's just too much!” or, “God's told me he's very, very angry.” We spoke with an important man from the Department of Homeland Security and asked him to respond to the criticism.

Cut to a blond-haired, blue-eyed OFFICIAL. SUBTITLE: TERRY S. M. SELLERS captioned with AN IMPORTANT MAN FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY.

SELLERS: Although it may be difficult for some to accept, we have no other options left to prevent terrorists attacking the Fatherland--Homeland! [composes himself] We understand that there are still taboos in the outside world, and to accommodate these, we have set up privacy booths.

Cut to a terminal entrance. People are walking up to a terminal entrance, where numerous booths are set up. Above them is a sign saying “PRIVACY BOOTHS.” Numbers of travelers, variously dressed from casual to business, walk in and come out nude, carrying their suitcases strategically.

SCHOOL [voiceover]: Sources say that major cities around the country may follow suit with similar measures. New York City is among the first to consider relaxing public indecency laws in high risk areas.

Setting: Central Park. The NUDE CELLIST is sitting in a folding chair holding a cello, and is completely nude except for underwear and a bright, multicolored flat cap that barely controls his wild, bushy, black hair. We see the Missouri J. School for the first time.

Caption: THE NUDE CELLIST OF CENTRAL PARK

SCHOOL: What do you think of the clothing ban near New York's potential terrorist targets?

NUDE CELLIST: It'd be like a dream come true! I always wanted to ditch the underwear...

Cut to sidewalk. A dirty man with a dirty mac.

FLASHER AARON [lecherously]: I never bothered with underwear.

Cut to another sidewalk, near Central Park. Here's another man in a dirty mac, but his bearing and manner is more like that of a businessman.

FLASHER BILL: It would kill business if everybody's junk is hanging out. What would be the point? I'd have to find something else...like structural engineering...

In the background, people are approaching from a street crossing. Bill takes notice.

BILL [glancing back at School]: Sorry, back to work.

Off Bill goes to ply his trade. The first victim, a middle-aged woman, jumps and averts her eyes, scandalized. But the SECOND VICTIM, a woman similarly aged, stops and takes a good look down. Bemused, Bill stays in the “coat open” position.

SECOND VICTIM: Hmm...you should get that looked at.

BILL is stunned, and lowers his coat.

SECOND VICTIM: It'll only get worse.

The news crawl is still rolling steadily:

NEWS CRAWL: THIS IS WEASEL NEWS...JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T SEE THE LOGO HERE.....[flashing arrow points to logo in the lower right corner] OR THE BANNER HERE. [A flashing arrow points to prominent “WEASEL NEWS EXCLUSIVE” banner on the bottom of the screen]

The second victim walks off, leaving Bill at a loss in her wake.

NEWS CRAWL: [flashing, color scheme reversed]HEY YOU!!![/flashing]... YOU'RE NOT REALLY READING, ARE YOU?...WELL YOU SHOULD...I AM ALL POWERFUL...I'LL PROVE IT...ALIENS WILL LAND IN...
...3...
...2...
...1....

Lights flash, winds blow, and the camera whips around to a flying saucer even cooler than the ones in Close Encounters of the Third Kind landing in Central Park. Out comes the ramp, down comes an alien, who walks up to BILL.

ALIEN [thick accent]: Is this the home of...ehh...Stifin Hawkeng?

BILL: Stephen Hawking? No.

ALIEN: Is this not Earth?

BILL: Yeah. Oh! You want Cambridge...uh...England. Over the ocean [points east], southern part of the large squiggly island right next to the northern continent. Ask there.

ALIEN: Thank you viry much. [stiffly raises hand and waves] Go Mits!

The alien returns to the ship, which ascends and fly eastward, quickly disappearing from sight. The camera, having followed their flight path, returns to the journalist.

SCHOOL: And so, the most extraordinary event in the history of the world is over in a moment. But I suspect that Dr. Hawking, the former Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University and pioneer in cosmology, will be getting quite a surprise very soon.

NEWS CRAWL: YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS COINCIDENCE, DON'T YOU? THEN BEHOLD,...A FLOCK OF PINK DODOS!

At the sound of magical chimes, a flock of pink dodos appears before the camera.

SCHOOL [looks down toward news crawl]: Stop it! This is my story!

NEWS CRAWL [now speaking the words with an authoritative voice]: TEMPT ME NOT!

More chimes sound and the journalist becomes a dog in a tiara and pink tutu. Instead of a microphone, he holds a fairy wand topped by a star in his mouth.

NEWS CRAWL [still speaking]: NOW BACK TO THE PITIFUL CREATURES IN THE STUDIO.
-----------------------------------------------------------

THE END...maybe.

(c)Romanes eunt domus (alias and aliena) Enforceable by Spiny Norman, but ask and you may receive...

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Comments

Lady and Laird Candermine: You write incredibly well.. and are, as luck would have it very funny also!!! Lucky badger you!!! super impressive... almost wish instead of having to read it that I could watch it some how .. though the images in my head mixed with Python like voices do the job anytime...
Clap... clap... I hope you chase down something out there and get stuff made big time!!!
The Palin rap is stellar!!!

and naked through the airport.. right on...
............... I easily run with it and can imagine a long fuse coming out of someone's bum ...
Airport security: "'Excuse me Sir... but what's that string behind you?"
Man with string behind him:
"What string?........................... oh, that.... hmmm
that's ... hmmmmm ....
well.... it's just my time of the month.... "

Romanes Eunt Domus: *In best Blackadder voice* Oh my, hasn't the board been chatty lately? Pushed my poor piece right off the page... So, I must resurrect it...once again...in the name of self-indulg-- audience!

I'm still trying to figure this site out: I'm never quite sure that all who might want to see things actually see things....hmm....'watch' seems to do the trick. So to anyone who sees this, I put all my stuff under the "Comedy" category.

This is just not quite as intuitive as you might like; maybe if they put mouse-over help on the hyperlinks at the top to explain where each leads.

But since I've punished you with a long rambling comment, I'll leave you with a tiny bit more...

In another post. :)

Romanes Eunt Domus: Thank you for the compliments, all. Feel free to say what you like best, leave a rating, that sort of thing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Interviewer: Today on the Shameless Bump, Spiny Norman speaks! While many have thought this 12 foot long hedgehog a figment from the demented mind of Dinsdale Piranha, he is real, and he has kindly come on the show to speak to us today. Norman, tell us your story.

Norman: Dinsdale was a friend of mine; he always gave me worms, slugs, and the..."remains" of Doug's wilder exploits-I mean titbits like pie crusts and the ears of the people Doug had passed that day. So I began to follow him around.

I: [nods]: I see.

N: And whenever Dins-that's what I call him-whenever Dins got down, I'd make myself bigger to cheer him up-perform tricks, demolish city blocks, that sort of thing.

I: And how do you grow bigger?

N: You see, I have an ingenious series of chambers and air bladders by which I can increase my size quite dramatically."

I: "So you're basically a puffer fish with legs."

N: "And ears. That's putting it rather crudely, but yes."

I: "Well that's all for Sh-"

N: "And lungs."

I: "What?"

N: "I also have lungs, which, as you may know, a puffer fish doesn't have."

I: "Right. That's all-"

N: "And my spines are modified hairs, not scales."

I: "Thank you, Norman. That's-"

N: "And I can blink."

I: "Shut up, you Spiny git!"

*Gulp* The interviewer is eaten and swallowed whole.

I [muffled, from the stomach of Spiny Norman.]: That's all for Shameless Plug. Next week, we'll speak with a young woman who's found herself up a tree in Rutland. She will tell us what she did-and didn't-find there.

thewastelandr at 5:00 pm January 28

Ahahahahaha! I can just picture it!

Romanes Eunt Domus: Because I just can't leave things alone, I made a few revisions. I thought the official deserved a proper name, so he is now Terry S. M. Sellers. The journalist is a fairly major character, so I named him (her?) Missouri J. School.

And it now starts off in a news room with interesting things happening in the background.

Ah, creative writing!

Tanya_Birklid19: Brrravo! Brrravo! *claps for a minute* Brilliant! More! More!

Lvndr HppE: {clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap} That was good.